Brotherly Love  JP and Jake
by dawneh
Summary: This was only written to freak people out coz they all said JP and Jake was sick... well they were probably right  but I wrote it anyway !  AND THEN I WROTE MORE !
1. Chapter 1

John Paul swayed slightly in his chair as he poured the last of his semi warm pint into his mouth. The liquid trickled smoothly down his throat and added to the buzz of alcohol that was already coursing through his veins.

His soft blue eyes were somewhat unfocused as he looked towards his friends to see whose round it was next.

That is he looked towards where his friends had been, sat with him around a table at the Dog in the Pond, but now only empty chairs accompanied him. His brow wrinkled with the effort of remembering where they had gone until, one by one, the memories of their goodbyes returned to him and he recalled saying how he would stay a little longer, just until he had finished his pint.

John Paul's eyes wandered around the familiar décor of the familiar pub. How many times had he sat in this very room before? How many illegal drinks had he consumed before the legitimacy of his 18th birthday took all the fun out of it? And how many times had he sat across a table like the one he now occupied and looked into the deep brown eyes that had stolen his soul?

Of course for every happy memory of this place he carried a painful one. Not least of which was the memory of the day he walked into the middle of an engagement party that he had no knowledge of. The day he walked into another lie to stack on top of the lies he already lived with until he could stand it no longer. That had been the day everything changed and he thought he had found happiness. He soon learned that happiness could sometimes be very short lived.

John Paul sighed as he pushed his chair back. The lateness of the hour and the alcohol in his system were making him melancholy and it was time to go home.

As John Paul pushed open the door of the bar he found himself face to face with a pair of deep brown eyes. They weren't the eyes of the man who had broken his heart, or was it John Paul who had broken his lovers heart? Sometimes he wasn't quite sure.

But they were deep brown eyes all the same. So similar that sometimes he thought that he could see Craig reflected in them. Most of the time, however, all these eyes looked on him with was disgust and hate and tonight was no different.

"Get out of my way," Jake spat as John Paul stood in the doorway.

"Let me out and I will," John Paul replied without moving an inch.

"I said MOVE."

"Make me."

Jake's lips curled back in a snarl as he took an aggressive step forward. He expected the younger man to back down or at the very least flinch but instead John Paul stood his ground impassively.

"What IS your problem Jake?" John Paul asked levelly.

"YOU are… what you are… you make me sick."

John Paul shook his head. "Now tell me what the real problem is."

Jake ran his tongue over his lips. He was never certain why that young blue-eyed boy made him so uncomfortable but being observed under that bright gaze made Jake look away.

"What you did to Craig… it's disgusting."

"I didn't DO anything to Craig," John Paul laughed, "At least nothing he didn't want me to!"

"There!" Jake exclaimed with revulsion, "Why do you have to say things like that… it's just WRONG."

"Well fell in love Jake, what's so wrong about that?"

"It's not normal…"

"Well I know he's a bit older than me but…"

"That's not what I meant and you know it." Why did Jake suddenly have the feeling of drowning? Talking to John Paul was like trying to drag his way out of quicksand.

"WHAT? You mean because he's another man… news flash Jake… I'm GAY so falling in love with a man IS normal!"

"But Craig isn't… wasn't… just get out of my way."

John Paul giggled drunkenly to himself as he leaned forward. His breath was hot and laced with alcohol as he spoke so quietly that Jake had to lean in himself just to hear the words.

"You know what Jake," John Paul breathed into Jake's ear, "Sometimes I think maybe you were jealous… maybe Craig managed to admit something you've always wanted to… maybe Craig got to DO something you always wanted to… is that it Jake… did you always fancy a bit of man loving yourself? Come on … you can tell me… it won't any further!"

John Paul laughed as Jake pushed him out of the way.

"You're sick McQueen you know that!"

John Paul was still laughing as he walked away. He didn't notice Jake still standing in the pub doorway watching him.

Jake still felt like he was drowning.

He could still feel the heat of John Paul's breath on his skin and the mysterious glint in his eyes.

Jake shook his head as he walked into the pub and tried to ignore the unfamiliar sensations that had raced through his body as John Paul had leant against him.

Jake couldn't sleep. He turned his head to look at Nancy. She looked so peaceful just lying there and so beautiful. Her chest rose and fell with each soft breath and her eyes flickered as a smile played across her lips at some secret dream.

Jake hadn't expected to fall in love again. Not after Becca and certainly not with Becca's kid sister. But falling in love was exactly what he had done. She was strong and beautiful and feisty and a million other things that made her perfect.

So why was it when he closed his eyes all he could see were two hypnotically blue globes staring back at him?

John Paul was still chuckling to himself as he lay in his bed. It was probably very childish to take such pleasure in winding Jake up, but honestly, the bloke was asking for it.

John Paul used to think that Jake was a pretty decent kind of guy. He always seemed fair and honest and of course he always looked out for his little brother. John Paul had often thought that if he'd had an older brother he would have liked one like Jake.

All of that was before John Paul came out. Once he had everything with Jake changed. For some reason he could no longer see John Paul as the same person and John Paul always got the feeling that Jake was wondering if he fancied him. Of course John Paul had only ever had eyes for Jake's brother, not that anyone knew that for a while, but if things had been different… well Jake WAS a pretty good looking fella!

John Paul chuckled as he snuggled himself deeply into his duvet. Him and Jake, just imagine… Hollyoaks would never recover.

John Paul watched himself in the mirror as he washed his hands. His eyes shone brightly and his cheeks had a soft pink flush to them as the fresh intake of alcohol ran warmly through his veins.

He tried to pretend that he had no ulterior motive for wanting to return to the Dog again when most of his friends had opted for the SU Bar. He tried to convince himself that he wasn't hoping to see Jake again, that he hadn't been carefully rehearsing what jibes he might be able to get in next time they met. But as John Paul held his hands under the warm air of the hand dryer he wasn't convinced in the slightest.

The door to the gents opened and Jake strode in. John Paul hid his smile and instead let out a sigh as if annoyed at seeing the man again so soon.

"You again," Jake spat trying not to notice how brightly John Paul's eyes were shining.

"Been missing me Jake?" John Paul replied with a smile.

"Trust me… if I had a shotgun I wouldn't miss."

John Paul pressed a hand against his heart dramatically. "Oh you wound me Jake… and I thought we were friends."

"You're nothing to me McQueen," Jake snarled, his lips curling back to show the whiteness of his teeth, "Just a disgusting little annoyance that won't seem to go away."

"Funny that," John Paul replied walking slowly but deliberately over to the older man, "Coz it seems like it was YOU that followed ME in here."

"I didn't follow you anywhere…" Jake could feel heat rising to his cheeks and he ground his teeth together in frustration.

"No?" John Paul looked around him for a second, "Well you don't seem to be wanting anything else in here… but honestly Jake… following me into the toilets… isn't that a bit tacky? You only had to ask you know."

"You think you're really funny don't you McQueen," Jake growled emphasising the "queen" portion of John Paul's name.

"What do you think I am," John Paul asked stepping a little closer.

"You're nothing but a dirty little queer."

"So why are you still standing here talking to me?" John Paul took another step forward until he was face to face with Jake. "Why is it you haven't taken your eyes off my mouth for the last two minutes?" John Paul leaned forward until his breath was hot against Jake's ear. "And why is it that right now you can't help but wonder what it would feel like to share your bed with another man… but not just ANY other man, right Jake?"

"You're insane."

"But you're not walking away."

Jake's hands grabbed at John Paul's shoulders as he slammed the blonde haired man into the wall forcing the air from his lungs at the sudden impact.

Before John Paul had time to react his breath was stolen from him again as Jake's mouth covered his with a kiss so hard and angry that it almost bruised his lips.

Jake still held John Paul firmly against the wall as his tongue forced his way into John Paul's mouth, tasting and exploring every forbidden inch. He felt possessed as the heat of John Paul's mouth seduced him and he sank deeply into a kiss he had never anticipated sharing.

John Paul slid his hands around the back of Jake's neck and the contact seemed to break the spell.

Jake stepped back shaking his head and wiping at his mouth with his hand.

"What the fuck d'you think you were doing?" He asked accusingly.

John Paul laughed and ran the tip of his tongue over his lips suggestively, tasting the last remnants of Jake that clung there.

Jake almost sprinted from the toilets despite the shaking of his legs and the pounding of his heart. He had no idea how that had just happened but he was damn sure it would never happen again. It had been as if he were captivated and unable to escape, was that what had happened to Craig?

"You know where to find me," John Paul called out after him, "You only have to ask."

The door swung closed and John Paul was left alone. He smiled to himself in satisfaction. He had always known there was more to Jake than the man had ever admitted, John Paul just hadn't realised how much more.

---

John Paul wasn't overly surprised to find a dark figure waiting near the McQueen's front door when he got home and it took all of his effort to hide the smug smile that was desperate to run across his lips.

"No one in?" John Paul asked casually in an enquiry as to why Jake was standing outside.

"I didn't knock," Jake admitted. The last thing he wanted was for anyone else to know he was there.

"So what d'you want?"

"You know…" Jake shuffled his feet uncomfortably. He still didn't know what had possessed him to make the journey over from The Dog. He was risking so much just by being there but something inside him wouldn't rest. He had an itch that wouldn't go away until he scratched it and it seemed that only John Paul knew exactly where that itch was located.

John Paul shrugged his shoulders. "Sorry Jake," He said innocently, "Don't know what you're talking about."

"Stop playing games," Jake grumbled, "You know as well as I do why I'm here."

"Why don't you tell me?" John Paul slipped his key into the door and turned it slowly.

Jake's hand gripped his shoulder and John Paul turned his head to look at the older man.

"John Paul please…" The sight of Jake's eyes pleading with him, Jake's voice begging sent shivers down John Paul's spine knowing that Jake wanted him, knowing the power he suddenly had.

"What is it Jake?" John Paul ran his hand lightly over Jake's arm as he leant into the man's ear, breathing hotly against it. "Just tell me what you want… say it Jake…"

Jake licked his lips nervously. The closeness of John Paul was making him feel very uncomfortable and the heat of John Paul's breath on his neck was making him feel flushed. "John Paul… I…"

"Go on Jake… say the words… you'll feel much better for it… Say "I want you to fuck me John Paul"… say "I want to feel your cock inside me"…"

"I… I want…"

John Paul laughed as he turned back to the door and pushed it open. "Oh well, if you don't really want to."

"I want you to fuck me." Jake's voice was a mere whisper but it still gave John Paul great satisfaction to hear the words from those lips. John Paul was surprised to realise that hearing Jake "homophobia" Dean admit that he wanted him, that he wanted sex with another man, was an incredible turn on.

Entering the McQueen house John Paul stood back as Jake followed him inside. Jake looked around the room nervously.

"Is anyone in?" Jake asked uncertainly.

"Maybe," John Paul teased fully aware that the house was empty, "You'd better get upstairs fast before someone sees you!"

Jake took the stairs two at a time, hesitating at the top until John Paul directed him to the correct room.

John Paul pushed the bedroom door closed behind him and leant against it to watch Jake pace the room. The man's obvious discomfort and uncertainty fed John Paul's arousal until he found it hard to keep his hands to himself but he knew that he would get far more pleasure out of making this last.

"Well?" John Paul looked at Jake with enquiring eyes.

Jake stopped pacing as he looked into those fathomless blue depths. "I don't know what you…"

"Tell me what you want."

"I already did…downstairs…"

John Paul walked forward until he was only inches from Jake. Reaching out a hand he ran it lightly over Jake's chest. "But I want you to tell me again… I want you to beg for it Jake."

"You're enjoying this aren't you?"

John Paul ran his hands over Jake's thighs, squeezing at the flesh as he went. "You'll enjoy it too Jake," He said with a lusty grin, "Believe me you will. Now tell me again."

As he spoke John Paul continued to trace his hands over Jake's trembling body, never pausing long in one place until every inch of the other man was on fire and his jeans stretched uncomfortably over his groin.

"Oh god," Jake closed his eyes as John Paul's hand rested on top of his growing erection, his thumb running lightly over it making it throb desperately. "Please… I want you to… I want you to fuck me."

The words felt so wrong in Jake's mouth but the feel of John Paul's hands on him felt so fight. John Paul slipped down the zip of Jake's jeans and pushed his hand inside. The man was even harder than he had expected and he felt another surge of satisfaction that he had been able to turn Jake on so easily.

"Get your clothes off," John Paul instructed releasing his hold on Jake's cock and stepping back as he pulled his top over his head.

Jake's clothes were quickly dropped in a pile on the floor and he stood naked and expectant in the centre of John Paul's bedroom.

John Paul looked him over slowly, taking in every inch of a body that should have been totally forbidden to him. Returning to Jake he ran his hands over the man's bare chest and down towards his groin.

"Would you like me to suck you Jake?" John Paul licked his lips slowly and suggestively as he spoke.

Jake swallowed hard and nodded as John Paul fell down to his knees.

John Paul's tongue was hot and wet as it licked over the length of Jake's cock, coating its underside with his saliva and the running over its top. The tip of John Paul's tongue probed at the head of Jake's cock, pressing into its sensitive slit and lapping at the drops of precum that glistened there. Jake's legs trembled at the sensations running through his groin and he had to hold onto John Paul's shoulders to stop his knees from buckling.

Parting his lips John Paul sucked the hardened cock deep into his mouth causing Jake to gasp loudly and grip tighter onto John Paul's shoulders.

Taking Jake's cock as deeply as he could John Paul sucked it with fervour, his tongue massaging over its pulsating length as Jake's hips moved slowly driving his cock deeper into John Paul's throat before pulling it out slightly only to plunge back in a second later.

Jake's breathing began to get heavy as he fucked the heat of John Paul's wet mouth. It had never felt so good before and he could feel his balls begin to ache with the need for release.

Sensing that Jake was close to climax John Paul ceased his attentions on the man's cock, letting it fall from his mouth as he got to his feet.

Jake looked into the dark blue of John Paul's eyes with disappointment but John Paul's dark smile let him know that things were far from over.

"Get on the bed," John Paul said, "Now I'm gonna show you what this is really all about."

Jake climbed eagerly onto the bed and sat waiting for John Paul to join him. John Paul shook his head and laughed.

"All fours Jake," John Paul said, "Let's not pretend you don't know how this works eh?"

Jake immediately did as instructed he had long since gotten over the strangeness of the situation, he was acting purely on instinct now and his instincts were telling him that this felt too good to stop.

Pausing for a second to take in the sight of Jake Dean kneeling on his bed waiting for him John Paul subconsciously licked his lips. The truth was that it had been a while since John Paul had gotten any action and he was that horny he would have been prepared to fuck almost anyone. But the fact that it was Jake really was a bonus.

Dropping his jeans to the floor John Paul joined Jake on the bed and knelt behind him.

His hands were hot as they stroked Jake's back running down to the soft firmness of his buttocks. John Paul squeezed at that rounded flesh kneading it with his hands, parting it to reveal that small puckered, and John Paul assumed virgin, opening hidden inside.

Jake gasped with pleasured surprise as he felt the heat of John Paul's tongue pressing between his buttocks, circling firmly around his anus. How could something that he knew to be so wrong feel so good? Jake's fingers curled into the duvet as he closed his eyes and gave in to the insistent pressure of John Paul's tongue.

John Paul lapped greedily at the opening he soon planned to possess enjoying the confused grunts of pleasure that rumbled low in Jake's throat. Slipping his finger into the dampness of his mouth John Paul moistened it with saliva before pressing it into Jake's tight entrance.

Jake tensed at the sudden intrusion into his body as a moment of doubt and uncertainty gripped him.

"Relax," John Paul coaxed, "Trust me, this will feel so fucking good in a second you won't want it to stop."

Taking a deep breath Jake gave in to the push of John Paul's finger and, after a moment's discomfort, he was rewarded with the rush of pleasure that John Paul had promised. Soon a second finger and then third were pushed inside him, moving slowly and deeply until they stimulated every inch of his body with fire. Jake couldn't help but wonder if John Paul's fingers felt that good how much better would his cock feel.

With his fingers ploughing deep into Jake's hot body John Paul used his other hand to stroke slowly over the length of his own cock. It throbbed heavily in his hand and he could hardly wait to plunge it deep inside the man on his bed. Fucking Jake was never something he had seriously thought about before and now that he had the chance John Paul intended to enjoy every second of it.

Slipping his fingers from the grip of Jake's flesh John Paul pressed the head of his cock against that hot hungry hole that wanted him inside.

Circling his hips John Paul teased Jake's opening, pressing against it but not actually entering, as much as he wanted to fuck Jake he wanted Jake to ask for it more.

Jake bit down on his lip in frustration. As much as he didn't want to want this, his body ached for John Paul to be inside it and for some reason John Paul seemed to be resisting.

"What are you doing?" Jake asked breathlessly.

"Something wrong Jake?" John Paul asked pushing against him a little harder, but still not hard enough.

"Why have you stopped? Why aren't you…"

"You want it Jake… you've gotta ask for it… no beg for it… come on Jake… beg the queer to fuck you, you know you want me to."

"Fuck you," Jake snarled.

"Oh Jake if you're not gonna play nice maybe we should just forget it." As he spoke John Paul pulled back from the heat of Jake's body until the tip of his cock was barely touching against Jake's body.

"No wait…" Jake pushed himself backwards in an attempt to force John Paul into him.

"Ask for it Jake, that's all you have to do… just ask."

"Please…" Jake's voice shook with pent up frustration and lust, "Please do it…"

"Do what Jake?"

"Fuck me, please just fuck me… please I…"

Jake's words were cut short as John Paul's thrust his cock forward, hard and fast, slamming into Jake's tender flesh without mercy.

Jake cried out with shock at the sudden pain but John Paul didn't care as he plunged deep inside the body of the man who had always put him down.

"Relax," John Paul said without sympathy, "This is what you've been wanting for long enough so just relax and enjoy it."

As the initial pain subsided Jake felt the pleasure of John Paul's cock filling him, pushing deeply inside him and stretching his body in a way he had never experience. As the younger man thrust into him Jake gasped with surprise at the sudden unexpected rush through his body when John Paul's cock grazed against the part deep inside him that had never been touched before.

"Oh god," Jake said with a shaky voice.

"I told you that you'd like it," John Paul replied smugly, "I knew you'd like getting fucked."

Jake's cock hung heavily between his legs, neglected and hard. Jake raised one hand to it and began to stroke himself in time to the hard thrusts of John Paul behind him.

"Allow me," John Paul offered as he brushed the older man's hand away and took a firm hold on his throbbing cock.

John Paul closed his eyes as he increased his speed. He rammed his cock as hard and fast into Jake as he could manage, gripping the man's cock tightly and running his hand over its length, pushing the foreskin over its head and then pulling it back to smear the drops of precum along it.

Fucking Jake felt incredible. But it wasn't just the sex. It wasn't just knowing that no other cock had ever been inside him before. It was knowing that he was fucking Jake. John Paul felt like he was fucking the smugness right off his face and, as he closed his eyes, an image of Nancy came to mind spurring John Paul on even more.

His forehead glistened with sweat as he fucked Jake hard, he could feel the pressure of his climax building and the thought of coming inside Jake excited him beyond measure.

Jake's cock was throbbing heavily in his hand and John Paul knew that it wouldn't be long before the man came, he knew it wouldn't be long before this was all over.

"Oh god, god I shouldn't be doing this," Jake whispered as John Paul's cock hit deep inside him time and time again, the pleasure shooting through his flesh making his cock tremble with the need for release.

Jake's doubt spurred John Paul on, he drove his cock harder into the hot tight body that gripped him until he could hold back no longer. Yelling out an animalistic cry John Paul thrust forward as his climax poured from him and he came deep inside Jake, pushing into him again and again until the last drops of his orgasm had poured into the man.

Jake's breaths were coming in short gasps as John Paul came inside him as John Paul's tight grip finally gave him the satisfaction he had craved for hours.

"Oh fuck," he cried out as his climax spilled from his cock, covering John Paul's hand with its sticky heat.

John Paul slipped back until he was sitting on his feet and his rapidly deflating cock slid from the grip of Jake's body.

Jake collapsed onto the bed, breathless, satisfied and very quickly filled with regret and shame.

He jumped from the bed and, quickly gathering his clothes, Jake pulled them onto his body.

"That shouldn't have happened," he said quickly, "I don't know what the fuck you think you're playing at…"

Jake's eyes flashed darkly at John Paul. "You fucking faggot," he spat before racing from the room.

John Paul fell back on his bed with laughter. "Déjà vu," he chuckled to himself.

---

John Paul wasn't an especially malicious person. He wasn't one for seeking out revenge or deliberately hurting other people. He didn't usually revel in other peoples discomfort and he didn't usually try to cause that discomfort. But then most people weren't Jake Dean. Most people hadn't looked down on him like he was a piece of filth since he first came out. And most people hadn't made it so difficult for Craig to do the same that he ended up unable to do it.

Walking slowing into the Dog the next evening John Paul felt a warm glow about him. He knew what he was planning was at the least cruel and possibly much worse than that but he couldn't help himself. Jake Dean deserved everything he got.

The pub was filling up quickly and John Paul walked to the bar with a smile. Jake was serving and he visibly blanched when he saw the young blonde man approaching. His eyes flicked to one side and John Paul followed his gaze to see Nancy sat at a table. His smiled deepened.

"Hey Jake," John Paul called out loudly enough for the whole bar to hear, "You left something in my bed last night."

Pulling his hand from his jacket John Paul threw something over the bar. It hit Jake in the face and fell to the floor. Jake stood frozen to the spot, his boxer shorts by his feet where John Paul had just thrown them and a flush rising to his cheeks.

Nancy had jumped to her feet and now stood staring at her boyfriend with puzzlement written over her face.

"And you know what Jake," John Paul continued, "You were a crap shag, your brother was much better."

All eyes were fixed on him and for once John Paul didn't care. And then he realised that actually all eyes were looking at a spot just behind him.

"I'm glad to hear it," a familiar voice said behind John Paul's back.

John Paul turned in slow motion, his breath catching in his throat. "Craig?"

"I came back for you," Craig said his face impassive, "I didn't expect you to have moved on so quickly… and especially not with my own brother." Craig's eyes flicked between his ex-boyfriend and his brother. "Well, John Paul? Jake? Something you'd like to tell me?"

Jake's mouth moved silently as he tried to find the words. "I never… he didn't…" Jake looked around the room for support but found non. "I'm not gay."


	2. Chapter 2

"Craig… Craig wait…" John Paul called as he chased the retreating back of the youngest Dean out of the Dog.

He didn't bother to see what devastation his revelation had caused to those left behind in the bar. He didn't see the tears streaming over Nancy's cheeks as she slapped Jake across the face repeatedly until it glowed red with her hand marks and he didn't see the look of disappointment and disgust in the eyes of Frankie as she looked at her eldest son and saw a man she didn't recognise.

The only thing that John Paul saw was the look of hurt in the two soft brown eyes as they turned from him.

"Craig, please wait…" John Paul panted as he ran to catch up to the man he called and grabbed his shoulder.

As he turned John Paul no longer saw hurt in Craig's eyes, instead he saw a rage flashing there that made him drop his hand and take an involuntary step back.

"It's not…"

"Don't," Craig snapped, "Don't say it's not what is seems…"

"But it's not," John Paul said softly.

"So I didn't just walk in to hear you announcing to the pub that you've been shagging my brother then?"

"It's not… it wasn't…" John Paul searched for the words to make everything alright but he knew they didn't exist.

"My brother John Paul," Craig said quietly, "He's my brother…"

"I know," John Paul said raising his hands to touch Craig but afraid to make contact, "And I didn't mean…"

"What? You didn't mean to shag him? You didn't mean for me to find out?"

John Paul shrugged.

"For Christ's sake, you told the whole pub. By tomorrow EVERYONE will know, did you think I wouldn't have heard even in Dublin? Did you think my mum wouldn't have told me?"

"I didn't think," John Paul admitted lamely.

"Was it always him that you wanted? Is that it? Was I just second best? A substitute for the brother you really fancied?"

"God no – It was never like that," John Paul insisted.

"Then I don't understand… why Jake? Why my brother?" Craig voice was filled with hurt as he struggled to understand and the sound tore at John Paul's heart. "How would you feel if I'd slept with Mercedes eh?"

John Paul let out a small laugh, "Like you didn't want to!"

"But I wouldn't have… not once we were… Or Spike… how would you feel if I'd been screwing Spike?" Craig stepped towards the younger man and stared him squarely in the eyes, his breath hot against John Paul's face as he spoke. "How would it feel to know that I'd had my hands all over his body, had his mouth all over mine, had him inside me, fucking me? How would that make you feel?"

John Paul cast his eyes to his feet. "Don't," he asked quietly, the thought of Craig with anyone else made him feel sick, much less the thought of him with Spike.

"He's my brother," Craig repeated, "No matter how lonely you were why would you decide to fuck my brother?"

"It wasn't… it wasn't about the sex," John Paul replied.

"So what? What was it? Go on John Paul you tell me something that makes it OK for you to have been shagging my brother."

"You know what he was like," John Paul said trying to explain, or maybe trying to justify his actions, "When I came out… when you did… how he acted, how he treated us, I just wanted to show him…"

"What?" Craig snarled, "You fancy showing him what he was missing?"

"Yes… No… it's not that simple… when I realised that he was interested…"

"You couldn't resist? Don't tell me he seduced you?" The sarcasm dripped heavily from Craig's words.

"I wanted to show him that things aren't always that black and white… we don't always want what we should… I don't know… maybe I just wanted to teach him a lesson… let him know how it feels to have everyone judging you just because of who you choose to sleep with. Make him sorry for how he'd been."

"Revenge?" Craig said in amazement, "You fucked my brother in some twisted act of revenge?"

John Paul shrugged again, had he really been that stupid?

"And what about me?" Craig asked, "Did you think about me at all in any of this… did how I would feel even cross your mind?"

John Paul didn't answer. He couldn't answer. The truth was he hadn't considered Craig's feelings for a second; he had been so caught up in bedding Jake that everything else had been forgotten or ignored.

"I'm sorry," John Paul said resting his hand on Craig's arm.

Craig slapped the hand from him as if its very touch offended him. "Get the hell away from me," he hissed, the rage glowing darkly in his eyes, "Don't you ever touch me again."

"Craig please… we can…"

"You know what," Craig continued, "When you didn't come to Dublin I was heartbroken, I thought I'd never get over it… I came back to tell you I was wrong… that I wanted you more than anything… but now," Craig shook his head as he looked at John Paul, "Now I'm glad you didn't come, I'm glad I got to see you for what you really are… you make me sick…"

"Don't say that…"

"What did you expect? A quick sorry and everything would be OK? You fucked MY BROTHER… that will never be OK… and what's more you did it out of spite… you ruined everything just so that you could hurt him… I don't even know who you are." Craig turned his back and started to walk away.

"Craig… please…" John Paul's voice was quiet and desolate.

"Keep away from me," Craig said not looking back, "Keep away from me and keep away from my family… I don't want anything to do with you ever again… I hate you."

John Paul leant against the railings as he watched Craig walking away. "I'm sorry," he breathed under his voice but he knew that Craig wouldn't hear it, just as he knew Craig wouldn't care. It a moment of stupid revenge John Paul had proved himself to be a true McQueen and ruined everything by sleeping with someone he shouldn't.

John Paul's knuckles were white as he gripped onto the metal railings. The air around him was bitterly cold but he didn't feel it, he didn't feel anything but a growing numbness spreading throughout his body.

The sudden warmth of another hand covering his made John Paul jump, as he hadn't heard anyone approach. For a split second he hoped that Craig had come back but when he turned to look it was the elder Dean brother at his side.

"Suppose you're proud of yourself?" Jake asked his eyes fixed on the ebb and flow of the water before him.

"Not especially," John Paul admitted.

"I imagine Nancy's packing my stuff right now… unless she's just gonna throw it all out on the street."

"Sorry," John Paul replied and was surprised to realise he actually meant it. Turning his gaze to Jake he saw the red glow on the man's face where Nancy had struck him. "I guess she wasn't too happy."

"You could say that… Craig either I bet…"

"He hates me…"

"He'll get over it…"

"I don't think so."

John Paul looked down at Jake's hand still resting on his and couldn't help but wonder why it was there.

"Here we are then," Jake said in a tone of forced causality, "Just the two of us…"

"I guess…"

Jake's grip on John Paul's hand tightened.

"Just us," he repeated turning his face to John Paul.

"You're not suggesting..?"

"I don't know… I … I can't stop thinking about what we did… about how it felt… and how much I want to…"

"We can't," John Paul interrupted, "After all the hurt we've… I've just caused… and you want to do it again?"

Jake shrugged. "I don't see what we've got to lose now… they all know anyway… Nancy won't take me back after that and you've already said that Craig hates you."

"You said he'd get over it…"

"But what do I know, I thought I could sleep with my little brothers boyfriend and get away with it…"

"You're insane," John Paul shook Jake's hand from him and started to walk away.

"So it's not that you don't want to then?" Jake asked him.

"I'm going home," John Paul replied as he carried on walking and then he stopped and looked back. "Coming?"

The second that John Paul's bedroom door closed he was tearing at Jake's clothes. There was no gentleness in his actions, no love in the ferocious kisses he covered Jake's face and neck with before moving down over his chest and no tenderness as he plunged his hand into the man's trousers to grapple with his already hardening cock.

John Paul had no idea what he was doing. The last thing he needed was to notch another fuck with Jake Dean on his bedpost but he couldn't stop himself. A barely contained anger was suddenly bubbling within him. If Craig wanted to hate him then he would make sure he deserved it.

Jake's clothes were half torn from his body when John Paul grabbed his shoulders, throwing him to the bed and pulling his trousers from his legs. Jake lay on his back startled by John Paul's aggression but at the same time incredibly aroused.

"You thought you got a good fucking last time," John Paul growled as he threw his own clothes to the floor and climbed on the bed between Jake's legs, "That was nothing."

John Paul's heart was pounding as he ran his hands over the inside of Jake's thighs, pushing them apart as his touch roamed higher, trying not to mentally compare the man with his brother and yet unable to stop himself.

Here is where Craig has a freckle… If I touched Craig there he would shiver with excitement… If I stroked Craig like that he would moan for more…

John Paul looked down into the soft brown eyes of Jake Dean but all he could see was the disappointment and hurt in the eyes of his younger brother and the sight infuriated him.

Lifting Jake's legs high John Paul pushed his fingers into his mouth to coat them with saliva before pressing them hard between Jake's buttocks. Knowing what to expect this time Jake breathed slowly and closed his eyes, arching his back as John Paul's fingers pushed inside him, causing that same unbelievably wonderful sensation that he had experienced last time at this young mans touch.

John Paul worked his fingers hard and deep into Craig's older brother but it wasn't enough and his own frustrated desire made his cock ache. Lining it up against Jake's tight hole John Paul forced himself inside. Jake cried out at the sudden pain caused by this invasion but John Paul didn't stop. He ploughed himself deep into Jake not stopping until his cock was completely consumed by the older man's hot body.

Jake's breaths shook as he tried to relax around the presence of John Paul so suddenly and completely inside him, curling his fingers into the bed clothes as the initial pain passed and the increasingly familiar pleasure began to take its place.

"Fucking hell," Jake panted as John Paul began to move inside him.

He didn't waste time on any gentle build up, easing his way slowly and gently, but rather he slammed hard into Jake from his first stroke. John Paul grunted as he thrust deep and fast into the man, somewhere deep in his subconscious he didn't want anyone mistaking what he was doing as making love. This was just sex. Rough, dirty, aggressive and animalistic sex.

"God John Paul," Jake gasped, his voice shaking as his body was filled over and over again. John Paul's cock diving deeply into him and quickly pulling out, awakening every nerve in his body until each inch of his flesh seemed to tremble. Jake could see the darkness in John Paul's eyes as they fucked, he knew that somewhere inside him John Paul was punishing Craig for turning up unannounced like that, for finding out what they'd done, but Jake couldn't seem to care, not when John Paul's cock slamming hard into him felt so good.

A sheen of sweat covered John Paul's body as he rode Jake fast, the sound of heaving panting and moans filling the room to the accompaniment of flesh slapping against flesh.

Grabbing Jake's cock John Paul held it firmly, moving his hand in fast deliberate strokes as he plunged himself deeper and deeper into the man's body until Jake was writhing on the bed in delightful agony, John Paul's cock constantly pleasuring that perfect spot deep inside him and his hand teasing Jake's cock ever nearer to climax.

"Oh god John Paul I…" Jake's words were lots amidst his cries as his body vibrated with the force of his orgasm. His cock throbbed and pulsed hotly in John Paul's hand as he came, covering his belly with his lust as it poured from him.

Letting go of his hold of Jake's cock John Paul gripped the man's thighs and pounded ever harder into his still quivering body, fucking the man as hard and aggressively as he could, pushing himself ever closer to his own satisfaction.

He could feel his own climax building inside him; rushing forward like a steam train and without any conscious decision John Paul quickly pulled his cock from inside Jake's body. Letting the man's legs fall limply to the bed John Paul grabbed onto his own cock and continued the speed he had inside Jake's flesh with his hand as he moved to straddle himself over Jake's chest.

Jake stared open eyed, and open mouthed, at the young McQueen masturbating himself until he cried out, throwing his head back and covering Jake's face with rivers of sticky hot fluid, not stopping until he was completely spent.

Wiping his face with his hands Jake looked at John Paul in amazement. He had thought the first time he went with the younger man it had been unbelievable but John Paul had just raised the bar a whole lot higher.

"My god that was…" Jake began.

"Get out!" John Paul said cutting him off.

"What?"

"You heard me," John Paul climbed from the bed and started throwing Jake's clothes at him, "Just get out."

"John Paul, come on…"

"I don't want you here," John Paul said pulling on his own clothing, "So get out before I throw you out."

Jake struggled into his trousers with confusion written all over his face. "I don't understand what…"

"D'you really think I want you?" John Paul spat bitterly, "It's never been about you… get the hell out, looking at you makes me sick, thinking about what I've done with you makes me sick…"

Jake stumbled from John Paul's bedroom and raced down the stairs.

"I make me sick…" John Paul whispered to himself.

John Paul couldn't sleep. He felt restless… he felt wrong. He had stood in the shower until the water ran cold but he still didn't feel clean. He tried to justify what he had done but even to himself his excuses sounded weak.

Since the moment he first laid eyes on Craig Dean he had been smitten by the man. Even before he was ready to admit it to himself John Paul had fallen in love with those deep chocolate eyes that always looked at him so intensely. And despite the fact that he hadn't been able to join Craig in Dublin John Paul had always believed that they would find a way to be together again. As it turned out he was almost right. Craig had returned to Hollyoaks for that very reason and if John Paul hadn't just finished telling everyone how he'd shagged Jake they would be together now.

Instead John Paul was alone, his jeans hanging loosely around his waist as he paced the darkness of his bedroom. He couldn't face switching on the lights and catching a glimpse of his guilty face in the mirror.

If the truth was told John Paul had always liked to think of himself as a little better than his sisters. He didn't steal, or cheat or lie. At least he never thought he did. But recently he stole Craig away from Sarah, he cheated on Spike and he lied to everyone he cared about. All in the name of love. So what was his excuse for sleeping with Jake? The first time he blamed it on some misguided attempt at revenge. But the second time?

It seemed that John Paul really was as much of a McQueen as his sisters. There was no relationship too good that a McQueen couldn't work out a way to destroy it, and the more painful and public that destruction the better, just to make sure there really was nothing left to salvage.

John Paul leant his face against the cool glass of his bedroom window and watched as the steam from his breath fogged the outside world from view.

His bare chest was cold and he shivered, but it wasn't enough to make him reach for a jumper, it was as if he didn't feel that he deserved the comfort that the warmth would give him.

Wiping the mist from the glass John Paul paused in mid-action. He stared at a spot across the road for several minutes, finally convincing himself that he had been seeing things when the shadow moved again. There was somebody standing across the road from the McQueen house and as the figure moved it was momentarily illuminated by a nearby streetlight giving John Paul enough of a glimpse to be convinced that it was Craig.

John Paul didn't even bother to grab a top, he just slipped his feet into his trainers as he raced from the room, almost tumbling down the stairs as the laces caught underfoot.

"Craig…" John Paul called in a hushed voice as he stepped into the street.

The figure in the shadows started to walk away.

"Craig please…" John Paul ran forward until he was standing only a few feet from the young Dean. "You came to see me…"

"I don't know why I'm here," Craig replied. He hadn't intended to head over to the McQueen house and when he arrived he hadn't know what to do, which had resulted in him standing outside for the last hour playing over and over again in his head the moment when he heard John Paul telling everyone what a crap shag Jake had been.

"It's all such a mess Craig," John Paul said gently, "But it doesn't have to be… I still love you… so much…"

"You still slept with my brother," Craig reminded the blue-eyed boy, "Where did loving ME come into that."

"It didn't," John Paul admitted, "It was stupid… I was stupid… I didn't mean to… Oh I don't know… just tell me what to do… tell me what to say to make things OK and I will… anything…"

"I don't know that you can," Craig said sadly. He couldn't tear his gaze from the depths of the soft blue eyes that were looking at him, pleading with him and he knew that it wouldn't have hurt so much if he didn't love John Paul as much as he did.

"Can't we try?"

"Every time I think about you and him…"

"So don't think about it…"

"How can I not? I close my eyes and I can see you with him… the two of you…"

"I can make it go away," John Paul said walking slowly forwards, "We can make it go away… if we try… don't we at least deserve to try?"

John Paul raised his hand to Craig's face, touching the softness of his cheek and was surprised to find it damp with tears.

"I'm so sorry Craig, I never wanted to hurt you."

"He's my brother," Craig said again, repeating the words that had become a painful mantra, "If it had been anyone but him… if you'd picked some stranger up in a bar I would have understood… I would have hated it but I would have understood… but Jake…"

"I know," John Paul replied continuing to wipe the tears from Craig face despite the fact that he was fighting a losing battle as they fell heavier, "I'm so sorry, you'll never know how much I hate myself for what I've done… if I could take it back…"

"But you can't… it'll always be there now… between us…"

"It doesn't have to be… it was nothing… a moment of stupidity… I love YOU… my life is meaningless without you."

John Paul shivered as the cold night air bit into his bare chest.

"You must be freezing," Craig said noticing for the first time that his companion was topless.

"It doesn't matter."

"Course it matters, you'll catch your death."

"I don't care about that…"

Craig slipped his jacket from his shoulders and wrapped it around John Paul. "Well I care," he said quietly.

The warmth of Craig's jacket was almost overwhelming, as was the scent of the man embedded deep within the fabric, but the most overwhelming of all had been Craig's words "I care."

Craig's hands were still holding the edges of his jacket closed around John Paul's chilled torso and their faces were only inches apart. John Paul could see the pain etched deeply in the rich chocolate of Craig's eyes but he could also see the love and he clung to the sight of that with everything he had.

"I'm so sorry," he whispered as he moved his face slowly forward, "Please give me another chance."

"I don't know," Craig replied as the heat from John Paul's breath caressed his face and brushed over his lips, "I don't know that I can…"

"Tell me you still love me," John Paul pleaded with his lips only a hairsbreadth from Craig's mouth.

"You know I do," Craig murmured as their lips met, the heat of their kiss melting them together as Craig slipped his arms under the jacket draped over John Paul's shoulders and pulled the man's bare chest tightly against him, kissing him deeply as he remembered what they had and tried to forget the presence of Jake's mouth against those very same lips.

John Paul had dreamt about this moment ever since walking away from the airport. He had closed his eyes so often and imagined Craig in his arms, Craig's lips on his and Craig's body pressed hotly against him. But this was no dream and, as his bedroom door clicked shut and Craig pushed his jacket from John Paul's shoulders he felt more awake than he had since the day Craig had left for Dublin.

Craig's mouth pressed into the small of John Paul's neck, nipping lightly at his skin and breathing in the scent of the man he had missed so much. He closed his mind to the nagging doubts, to the voices that spoke of Jake and instead he let his senses reel in the feeling of John Paul in his arms again.

"Craig…" John Paul murmured the name softly as the man's mouth continued to travel over his skin. He sank his fingers into the depths of Craig's hair and ran his hands over his scalp and down his neck, moaning quietly as Craig's tongue circled lightly over one erect nipple.

Craig's heart was racing with the taste of John Paul in his mouth. He had never wanted the blonde haired man so much and he ignored the thoughts that he was just trying to take back what was his, to mark his territory and reclaim his possession.

"John Paul I…" Craig lifted his gaze to the intense azure of John Paul's eyes, allowing them to touch him like they always had before as he pulled the belt loose from John Paul's jeans.

Mesmerised by the passion in the hot melted chocolate of Craig's stare John Paul didn't move as warm hands moved over his hips and pushed his jeans until they fell to his ankles.

"Tell me how much you want me," Craig breathed as his hands stroked over the soft skin of John Paul's thighs.

"More than anything…" John Paul whimpered as Craig's hands rose higher, "I love you Craig…"

The words died on his lips as Craig brushed his fingers over John Paul's naked groin, his cock instantly responding to the touch that had always been able to give it so much pleasure. Craig's fingers curled around the rapidly stiffening member as he leaned his mouth to John Paul's ear.

"I want you," Craig whispered, "I want to make love to you… I need to remember how good we can be…"

As he spoke Craig let go of John Paul's cock and slipped his hands around the man's back, massaging the softness of his buttocks, kneading them firmly as he pulled them apart and then pushed them back together again. "Show me John Paul, remind me how it used to be…"

John Paul held Craig's face as he kissed him. Softly at first, allowing his tongue to trace slowly over Craig's lips and pushing into his mouth as the heat of their kiss increased and he pulled the still fully clothed Dean hard against his virtually naked body. Allowing himself to be turned John Paul braced his hands against the cool wood of his bedroom door, his senses seemed so heightened that he could feel every groove in the varnish beneath his fingertips as Craig's mouth bit hard into his neck.

John Paul moaned softly as Craig's teeth clamped into his delicate flesh sending shivers of pleasured pain through his body.

There was the sound of a zip being pulled down and then John Paul felt the hardness of Craig pushing between his buttocks. He didn't know if Craig was too worked up to waste time on finding any lube or if some part of him still felt the need to punish John Paul but he didn't care. Whatever the reason John Paul considered it to be worth the momentary pain if it meant having Craig back again, having Craig inside him, loving him and, some small part of John Paul believed that he deserved to feel some of the pain he had caused Craig.

Breathing slowly and deeply John Paul relaxed his body against the insistence of Craig's cock, letting out the smallest whimper as the man pushed deep into him. Holding tightly to John Paul's hips Craig thrust his cock hard into the body before him, trying not to admit the small thrill of pleasure at John Paul's pained whimper. He moved his body with a slow deliberate rhythm as each plunge into John Paul seemed to call out "mine, mine, mine" in a declaration of ownership over every inch of John Paul's flesh.

With his eyes closed John Paul rested his head against his arms as the pleasure of Craig's cock filling him increased. His breaths shook with the force of Craig's thrusts and he could hear Craig's own breathing coming in heavy laboured pants as he drove himself harder and faster into John Paul's soft warm body.

Craig's cock felt alive and it throbbed heavily inside John Paul, the man's body was hot and silky and it caressed his cock to perfection as he moved inside it. Craig could feel his climax already building deep inside him and he closed his eyes and took a deep breath.

Behind his closed eyelids Craig saw a face that he wasn't expecting. Deep within his mind Craig saw the face of his brother, laughing at him, taunting him and the anger he had been fighting to suppress began to surface again.

"Is this what it was like with Jake?" Craig spat suddenly.

John Paul gasped as if punched by Craig's words and he knew instantly that everything was going wrong.

"Well is it?" Craig snarled as he pounded harder into John Paul.

"No… of course not… Craig don't," John Paul pleaded sadly.

"What? So you didn't let him fuck you then?"

"Craig don't do this…"

"Did you fuck him… did you fuck him up against this very door?" Craig's anger increased with each word, with each thought of John Paul and Jake and with each violent thrust of his body.

"Craig please," John Paul begged, "Don't do this to us…"

"YOU did this to us," Craig shouted, "When you fucked my brother…"

With a pained cry Craig staggered backwards and quickly fastened his trousers.

"I can't do this," he said with tears in his eyes, "It can't be like it was… it won't ever be like it was."

"Craig… Craig… it can be… give it time…" John Paul said as he turned, awkwardly pulling his jeans from his ankles as he walked towards the angry and confused young man before him.

"You spoilt it all," Craig hissed accusingly.

"I'm sorry… truly I am… I didn't mean…"

"You never mean do you John Paul… all the things you do… you never mean to… but you still do them…"

Craig shoved John Paul out of his way as he ran to the door, throwing it open and sprinting down the stairs as fast as he could manage, desperate to feel the cool clean air on his skin.

"Craig wait…" John Paul called after him, bending down to pick up the man's forgotten jacket, "Please…"

Pulling a jumper over his head John Paul raced from the McQueen house in pursuit of the man he loved. He had to try and make Craig forgive him or the rest of his life would be meaningless.


	3. Chapter 3

"Craig… Craig please wait," John Paul called as he raced after the young Dean. He couldn't let Craig walk away, not when they got so close to making everything alright again, he should have realised it wouldn't be that easy.

"Craig come on…" John Paul panted finally catching up to Craig and grabbing his arm.

Craig shrugged the hold off and carried on walking.

"You left your jacket," John Paul tried lamely and for some reason that got a reaction. Craig paused and turned to look at the blonde man holding his jacket out to him. Noticing that John Paul had actually managed to put a jumper on this time he took back his jacket.

"Thanks," Craig said as he slipped the garment over his arms.

"Can't we at least talk," John Paul pushed now that he had Craig's attention.

"There's nothing left to say," Craig replied sadly as he started to walk again.

John Paul sighed and then fell into step beside the sad brown-eyed boy.

"It's been a hell of a day for you," John Paul said with sympathy.

"Certainly not the one I was expecting."

"I bet… I AM sorry… you know that right?"

"I guess… I just don't know if it helps."

The late night streets of Hollyoaks village were quiet as the two one-time lovers walked quietly in the direction of The Dog in the Pond.

"Craig?" John Paul said after some time.

"Yeah?"

"Are you ever gonna be able to forgive me?"

Craig stopped and looked into the hypnotic blue of John Paul's eyes. He saw before him his greatest friend and his truest love. But he also saw the shadow of Jake, and Craig wasn't sure he would ever be able to shake that image from his mind.

"I don't know," he replied, "I really don't… it's not just…"

"What?"

Craig chewed his lip thoughtfully. "It's not just the sex… I mean the thought of that makes me sick… but…"

"But?"

"It's WHY you did it John Paul… you shagged my brother with the intention of hurting him… you did it JUST to be able to humiliate him in front of everyone…"

"And you don't think he deserved it after the way he treated you… treated us?"

"Maybe," Craig shrugged his shoulders, "But he's still my brother… what you did you did to MY BROTHER… how do we get past that? How do we get past any of it?"

There were tears in Craig's eyes as he spoke and each one burned into John Paul's heart. If only he'd taken time to think and not just act then he would never have done something so cruel, something that would hurt Craig so much.

"Do you hate me?" John Paul asked quietly.

Craig sighed as he looked at John Paul's sad blue eyes. "Yeah I hate you," he replied, "And I love you… I want to hold you and I want to run far away from you… I want to kiss you and I want to punch you… So what do I do John Paul, tell me that… what do I do?"

John Paul stroked the tears gently from Craig's cheeks. "If I could take this all back," he said holding Craig's face in his hands, "I would do anything… I'd give up my life to take back what I did… but I can't…"

"I know," Craig answered leaning his face into the warmth of John Paul's palms. Craig didn't doubt the sincerity of John Paul's words for a second, but that didn't make the pain any less and it didn't take away the thoughts of his brother in bed with the only man he'd ever loved.

"Just tell me it's not hopeless and I'll wait… as long as you need."

"And what if I can't ever…"

"It's just been too much all at once… finding out like you did and then coming back to my room… I'm not surprised it freaked you out… but if we take things slowly… find each other again… put the past behind us… maybe it can be alright again… what d'you think?"

"You think it can be that easy?"

"I didn't say easy… but aren't we worth it… at least to try?"

Craig turned his lips to John Paul's palm and kissed it softly. "I don't know," he whispered as he started to walk away.

Once again John Paul fell into step beside Craig, listening to the unnatural silence of the village, broken only by the sound of their feet against the pavement.

A hundred words span in John Paul's mind. There had to be something else he could say, anything else to stop Craig from leaving him again.

Craig could feel the presence of John Paul beside him as if the man's weight was pressing down on him. Was it really less than 24 hours ago he had left Dublin with a smile on his face and a plan to walk up to John Paul and claim back what was his? What a difference a day can make, now he wasn't sure he could ever look at that beautiful man the same way again.

John Paul was surprised when he felt warm trembling fingers curling around his, holding his hand tightly as if afraid to let go again. Neither man spoke as they continued their journey. For now nothing needed to be said. Craig taking John Paul's hand had spoken volumes and they both took the time to enjoy the moment and hope for the future.

Jake shivered as he sat on one of the benches outside the Dog. He hadn't been able to face going home yet. He wasn't ready for that confrontation with Nancy; he couldn't believe what he had done to her, how much he had hurt her and for what?

He loved Nancy more than he ever thought he could and yet he had been tempted into John Paul's bed so easily. What was it about that McQueen boy that made it impossible for the Dean men to resist?

What was it that made Jake go back a second time?

He was disgusted with himself and the only small comfort he took was knowing that at least John Paul had also lost the love of his life, at least John Paul was suffering as well.

Jake heard footsteps approaching and couldn't believe what he saw.

How could Craig be walking hand in hand with that McQueen? How had John Paul managed to win back Craig?

"You've forgiven him then," Jake said as the men approached.

Both Craig and John Paul jumped at the sudden voice in the darkness and it wasn't until Jake got to his feet that they could see him against the darkness of the empty pub.

"What else do I do Jake?" Craig asked his brother, "Give up on everything over one mistake?"

Jake walked to his brother and rested his hand on Craig's shoulder gently. "Well you're a better man than I am," he said not taking his eyes from John Paul.

"I'm sure if Nancy had done something this stupid you'd have been able to forgive her," Craig said with a half-smile.

"Maybe," Jake said staring intently at John Paul, "Maybe once I could… but not after it happened a second time."

John Paul felt his hand dropped the second the words left Jake's lips and a sickness welled up in his stomach.

"Jake don't," he begged quietly but it was already too late.

"John Paul?" Craig looked at him with pleading eyes, desperate for John Paul to say that Jake was lying but the guilty truth shone through the bright blue of John Paul's gaze.

"You didn't have to," John Paul said to Jake.

"Oh sorry," Jake replied sarcastically, "You mean you didn't tell him about the second time… you didn't mention how you had me back in your bed less than an hour after Craig got home."

"Please… no…" Craig whispered covering his mouth with his hands and stepping away from John Paul, "Please tell me you didn't…"

"I'm sorry," John Paul said for the hundredth time, "I didn't… it wasn't… it didn't mean anything… I was angry and…"

"Tonight?" Craig breathed, "Before you and me… you were with Jake…"

Craig stumbled backwards and would have fallen but for his heavy collision with a table.

"Craig please…" John Paul begged reaching out his hands.

"Get away from me," Craig shouted as he ran from the two men who had betrayed him, "Get the hell away from me…"

"Why do that?" John Paul asked Jake with tears in his eyes.

"My brother deserved the truth," Jake spat viscously. "He deserved to know what a cheating bastard you are… maybe now he can get away from you."

"And go back to being normal," John Paul laughed bitterly, "Is that what you think?"

"We'll all be better off without the likes of you around."

"You might make him hate me Jake," John Paul said, "But you won't ever stop him loving me."

---

"Frankie for god's sake I just need to talk to him." John Paul had been standing patiently at the bar for half an hour and for half an hour Frankie Osbourne had totally ignored him. For thirty minutes she had served various customers, cleaned glasses, wiped down the bar and cleared tables. The one thing she hadn't done was look at the young man who had ruined her son's life, both her sons' lives.

John Paul had waited for two days before calling around to see Craig. Part of him wanted to give Craig time to think, to get used to what had happened and part of him was just too much of a coward to face that anger and hurt in Craig's eyes again so soon.

He had waited for two days and now Frankie was deliberately making him wait longer.

"Frankie PLEASE," John Paul shouted not caring about the customers in the bar, "I need to see him."

Frankie put down the glass she was wiping and a small smile played over her lips as she looked at her watch.

"See who?" She asked bitterly, "Craig or Jake?"

John Paul sighed, he supposed he deserved that but it didn't make it any easier.

"Craig of course," he said quietly, "Please just tell him I'm here."

"What even makes you think he'd want to see you after what you did?" Frankie said glaring at the young blue-eyed boy that had caused so much havoc in her family.

"Can't you at least ask?" John Paul begged. It was true, he wasn't certain that Craig would even want to talk to him but he had to try, he couldn't let things end, not now and not like this.

"You're too late," Frankie gloated.

"Too late? For what?"

"He's gone."

"Gone?" John Paul shook his head with confusion, "Gone where?"

"Away from you," Frankie replied taking pleasure in being the one to deliver the news, "Back to Dublin."

"When?" John Paul asks glancing at his watch.

A small malicious laugh escapes from Frankie's lips as she pointedly looked at her own watch. "His flight left oh about 5 minutes ago. You're too late John Paul… he's gone… he's safe from you now."

John Paul seemed to stumble from the bar with Frankie's words ringing in his head. He'd meant to give Craig space, time to come to terms with things but all he'd done was given Craig time to leave.

Leaving the bar John Paul saw a couple at one of the wooden tables outside and the sight made him nauseous. Jake and Nancy seemed deep in conversation and John Paul could imagine what Jake was saying, how everything had been John Paul's fault and Jake was just a poor innocent pawn in his sexual games.

"I hope you've told her everything," John Paul said leaning over the table between the couple, "I hope you've told her how you came crawling back to my bed again the other night after everyone found out… I mean you know how these things can accidentally come up in conversation."

Judging by the wide-eyed shocked expression on Nancy's face John Paul knew that Jake had omitted that little nugget of information and, as he turned and walked away, John Paul clearly heard the sound of a sharp slap. A part of John Paul felt guilty that he took pleasure in Jake and Nancy's pain. Nancy had been a good friend of his once, but that was a lifetime ago and she had been more than willing to turn her back on him when he had needed the support of his friends.

John Paul took a deep breath and headed home. Craig was gone, everything lay in ruins around his feet and for once John Paul knew he really didn't have anyone else to blame but himself.

---

"What have I done?" John Paul asked quietly as he lay in the warm embrace of his mother's arms.

"I don't know son… I really don't know."

Myra kissed the top of her child's head gently and stroked his hair in a soothing gesture. John Paul had come home in tears and Myra instinctively knew that the only reason her son ever cried that way was over Craig Dean.

Of course Myra had heard all about what John Paul had done and she was disappointed in him, but that didn't stop her from wanting to hold him and it didn't stop her wishing she could take his pain away.

Sometimes she despaired of her children. She had done her best to raise them right, not that it was always easy, sometimes it had been a downright struggle, but she had tried and she was certain that she had managed to teach them the difference between right and wrong. So how was it that each of her children seemed incapable of running away from disaster? Why was it that she had to watch them ruin anything good in their lives? Why did she have to stand by and watch any good relationships they found crumble into dust because of sex? Why couldn't her children have stayed children just a bit longer?

"I didn't mean to hurt anyone," John Paul said as he nestled against the warmth of his mother's chest.

"I know you didn't."

"Everything just got so out of hand… and then Craig came back and…"

"I know… shhh," Myra held her son close and whispered soothing sounds into his hair. She hated seeing him suffer this way like she hated to see any of her children in pain, but more than that she hated not being able to help him. Gone were the days when her children's hurts could be fixed by a Mickey Mouse plaster and a lollipop, now all she could do was be there if they needed her and hope that they had the strength to pull through.

"I really do love him… you know?"

"I know son… I know."

"I didn't think he'd just leave like that… I thought… I thought I had more time." Fresh tears began to tumble down John Paul's face again. "I wanted to try and explain… see if he could forgive me."

"He's in Dublin love," Myra said gently.

"I know," John Paul sobbed holding his mother tighter.

Gripping John Paul's shoulders Myra pushed her weeping son from her and looked into his eyes, the puffy red flesh around them marring the brilliance of their blue.

"He's in Dublin," Myra repeated slowly.

John Paul nodded sadly as he wiped the tears from his cheeks.

"Dublin, John Paul," Myra continued, "It's not another planet."

"You mean..?"

"You've got two choices John Paul," Myra said stroking her son's cheek affectionately, "You stay here and spend the rest of your life wondering what if… or you go to Dublin and find out."

John Paul leant forward and kissed his mother before leaping to his feet.

"You're the best mum ever, you know that!"

"I know!" Myra laughed as John Paul raced up the stairs.

The laughter faded from Myra's lips as she sank back into the sofa. There were too many "what ifs" in peoples lives and if John Paul could find a conclusion to this one, whatever that conclusion might be, then at least he could move on and not spend the rest of his life regretting what he didn't do.

---

Standing in Liverpool John Lennon Airport felt strange. It felt like a hundred years since John Paul had last been stood on that very same spot. He'd been so excited about starting his new life with Craig. Everything had been so perfect, everything had felt so right and he had been so certain that it would all work out.

And then Jake had arrived and brought the doubts with him.

John Paul had often wondered if he hadn't overheard Craig's conversation with his brother that day would he have gone to Dublin? It was something he would never know the answer to, but this time nothing was going to stop him boarding that plane.

Myra had fussed over her son that morning as he packed an overnight bag. He had been able to find a reasonably priced flight pretty quickly, although he would have been prepared to pay any inflated price rather than wait another day, and had booked it immediately for departure the next morning.

"You've got the right address haven't you?" Myra had asked straightening her son's collar.

"Yes mum," he'd replied with a smile. He wasn't about to tell her that the address of Craig's flat was permanently burned into his mind. It was the address that should have been his and it was the address he had written on countless envelopes before ripping them up and throwing away the letters inside. John Paul knew where he was going, he just wasn't certain of the welcome he would receive.

As the boarding of his flight was called John Paul felt his heart begin to race. He knew that Craig wasn't going to welcome him with open arms, John Paul wasn't that naive, but he did at least hope that Craig would be willing to listen, to talk, John Paul hoped that he hadn't ruined the best thing in his life through his own stupidity.

After giving the taxi driver Craig's address John Paul settled back against the seat. His heart was racing faster with each passing minute, with each second that took him closer to his destination. He closed his eyes and whispered a silent prayer that Craig would be in, that Craig would listen and that things between them could be salvaged.

"Here we are." The rich Irish lilt broke into John Paul's thoughts. The cab ride seemed to have lasted mere seconds and now the car was idling at the kerb waiting for him to get out.

John Paul handed over the fare and waved away the need for change, he couldn't waste another moment waiting for the driver to count out the money. The driver smiled his thanks and pulled away leaving John Paul stood on a quiet back street in Dublin completely alone.

The building before him looked a little run down, with some peeling paint and chipped brickwork but the windows were clean and the doorstep was swept and something about the place felt welcoming. John Paul just hoped that one of the tenants inside would be as welcoming.

Raising a shaking hand to the row of doorbells John Paul located the one that was labelled "Dean" and pressed it firmly. He smiled as he ran his thumb over the label written in Craig's own distinctive hand and he couldn't help but wonder if there had ever been a label written declaring "Dean and McQueen".

John Paul waited a few minutes before pressing the bell again and again he got no response. Nobody came to the door to let him in. Nobody was home. Cursing his bad luck John Paul stepped away from the doorway and looked up at the windows above him. His breath caught in his throat as he saw the figure of a dark haired man looking down at him.

"Craig please," John Paul mouthed up at the window and then the figure was gone.

Craig sat down on the sofa in his flat and took some slow steadying breaths. What was HE doing here? Why had he followed him? Why the hell couldn't John Paul McQueen just leave him alone? How many more times was he going to let that beautiful boy hurt him before he could escape?

Flicking on the TV Craig stared at the moving images without comprehending what he was seeing. But that didn't matter. He was watching TV, what he wasn't doing was going down to answer the door.

John Paul sighed dejectedly as he realised that Craig was ignoring him. It might be what he deserved but that didn't mean he was going to give up. He was here now and he was going to stay until Craig told him to leave.

Pulling his jacket around himself John Paul slumped down on the cold stone step, pushing his bag under the arch of his legs and wrapping his arms around him for warmth John Paul McQueen prepared to wait, for as long as it took.

After ten minutes Craig walked to the window and was surprised to see John Paul huddled in the cold doorway. He shook his head and tried to resist the small smile that crept onto his lips. The McQueen's were nothing if not stubborn. Craig returned to the TV. The Dean's could be stubborn too!

Twenty minutes later when he looked Craig was certain he could see the young man a few floors below him shivering. His arms were wrapped tightly around him and his head was resting against his knees. He looked so completely cold and lost that Craig felt a pang of sympathy. "He can always ask Jake to warm him up," Craig said to the empty room and returned to watching the TV.

John Paul's teeth chattered with the cold Dublin wind that seemed to be buffeting him from every direction as the chill of the stone step sank deep into his bones. He couldn't remember the last time that he felt this cold or this uncomfortable but he wasn't about to give up. He'd come this far and he was in it for the long haul, however long that might be. Huddling his body into a tighter ball and pressing closer into the doorway John Paul hoped that he wouldn't be sat there all night there were some seriously heavy looking clouds building overhead.

John Paul had been sitting on the doorstep for two hours when the first peel of thunder tore at the sky and the heavy drops of rain began to fall.

"Great," John Paul thought to himself, "Just what I need."

The crash of thunder made Craig jump in his seat and he saw the large spots of rain crashing against his window.

"Great," Craig thought to himself, "That'll make him leave."

John Paul's shivering increased as he reassessed his opinion of what cold felt like. Ten minutes earlier he had believed it wasn't possible to feel any colder and now, soaked to the skin, he wished he could go back to that time when, compared to right now, the temperature was positively balmy.

He didn't know how much longer he could hold out. The doorway gave minimal shelter from the torrential rain that was blown against him by the strong gusts of wind and his face and hands were becoming increasingly numbed by the incessant cold.

Craig watched as John Paul's blonde hair darkened with the soaking it was receiving and the strength of the man's shivering had increased. He looked completely perished and Craig thought that the young man was in serious danger of making himself ill, but surely he wouldn't have the strength to remain there much longer, would he?

"You'll catch your death sat there."

John Paul hadn't heard the door opening over the loud chattering of his teeth and was surprised when he raised his head to see Craig standing in the doorway.

"I'll put the kettle on," Craig continued as he walked away leaving the door open, an invitation for John Paul to join him.

John Paul scrambled to his feet, every frozen muscle screaming in complaint at being forced to move, and followed Craig into the warmth of the building.


	4. Chapter 4

John Paul stood in the centre of the sparsely furnished room and watched as a pool of rainwater gathered at his feet. His shivering had eased and the warmth of the room seemed to envelope him.

"Here."

John Paul flinched as a large towel hit him square in the face. Retrieving the towel from the floor John Paul dried himself off the best he could, rubbing over his face and hair and taking away the chill that still lingered on him.

"Why don't you sit there," Craig said indicating a tattered armchair that was pulled close to the fire. John Paul smiled his gratitude and sank into the soft seat, holding his hands out to the glowing red electrical bars that filled with room with heat.

Craig placed a mug of steaming tea on the floor at John Paul's feet and then took a seat on the mismatched sofa opposite him.

"What do you want John Paul?" Craig asked holding his drink to his face.

John Paul shivered again; the cold outside was nothing to the chill in Craig's soft brown eyes.

"To talk… to say I'm sorry…"

"You've said it… you didn't really need to come all this way to say it again."

"But I did… I need to explain… I need you to understand... I need you to…"

"Forgiveness John Paul?" Craig's tone was as cold as the expression in his eyes, "You've come looking for forgiveness? Then you've wasted your time… after what you did do you think I could ever…"

"Oh Craig… I'm so sorry." John Paul picked up his drink with trembling hands and held it tightly looking for some comfort in its warmth.

"Sorry that you did it… or sorry that I found out?"

John Paul flinched at the accusation. When had Craig become so bitter? He felt the guilt wash over him anew, not just the guilt for what he had done but also for how much it had hurt the person he truly loved.

"For everything," John Paul replied quietly, sipping at the hot insipid liquid in his mug.

"So why do it?" Craig's gaze was steady as he looked at the blue eyes before him. How many times had he stared into those eyes with love? How many times had he felt blessed when he saw that love reflected back at him? Now it all just felt like a lie. Craig felt like the memories he had of John Paul were soiled, stained by his betrayal and the sight of those beautiful blue eyes left him feeling empty.

"I don't know." It was a pathetic answer, John Paul knew that but it was also the truth.

"Well thanks for stopping by," Craig's voice dripped with sarcasm, "Now if that's all you wanted to say."

"Craig please… don't…" John Paul looked down into his drink and felt unable to lift his eyes to the accusations of the soft brown pools that had once loved him.

"What you mean there was more? Let me guess… you didn't MEAN to fuck my brother… it was all a big misunderstanding… maybe you thought it was me is that it?"

"Craig stop it…"

"Or maybe you've come here to tell me what it was like? Go on John Paul tell me… how did it feel to be inside my brother? Was he good? Was he good and tight? Did he moan for you when you made him come? Did he beg for it?"

"For gods sake Craig stop it!" John Paul didn't mean to shout but Craig's words tore at his soul and he had to make them stop. Forcing himself to lift his eyes John Paul saw Craig's cheeks were drenched with tears, the words he had said hurting himself far more than they had hurt John Paul.

Abandoning his drink John Paul half rose before dropping to his knees in front of Craig.

"Craig I am so so sorry," John Paul repeated raising his hands to wipe away the man's tears and a little surprised when Craig didn't stop him.

Craig's shoulders began to shake as the tears fell heavier, tears that he had been holding back for the last few days, released now due to the presence of the man who had caused them.

John Paul wrapped his arms around Craig's neck and pulled the man's head to his shoulder, holding him tightly as he sobbed whilst fighting back his own tears.

"I wish I could take it all back, I really do," John Paul whispered into Craig's hair, "I never wanted to hurt you… not for a second."

"Then tell me why you did it," Craig asked pulling away from John Paul's hold, "Don't I at least deserve that?"

The pain in Craig's eyes ripped at John Paul's heart, the pleading, the need to understand, but how could John Paul possibly explain something he didn't understand himself?

"I don't know… I… I wanted to punish him, for the way he'd been with us… I wanted to punish myself for letting you go… maybe… maybe I even wanted to punish you…" John Paul couldn't believe the words as they came from his mouth and he regretted saying them despite their truth.

"Me?"

"You didn't fight for us," John Paul carried on in a hushed voice, "You let me leave… you didn't come after me…"

"I thought it was what you wanted…"

"It was never what I wanted… YOU are what I wanted… what I want."

"I came back for you," the tears from Craig's eyes had slowed but they still trickled over his cheeks, "I came back for you to find out you'd slept with Jake."

"I didn't know you were gonna do that," John Paul reasoned, "I thought you'd given up on us."

"Do you have any idea how much I loved you?" Craig asked resting his hand against John Paul's face. John Paul leant into the warmth of his palm and tried to ignore the use of the past tense in Craig's words.

"I had even nearly managed to forgive you, you know," Craig continued, "I figured you were hurting and Jake was there, probably taunting you, I know how he can be, I almost understood WHY you did it… that first time… I think we could have got past it – eventually… But why do it again John Paul?" Craig's hand fell from the softness of John Paul's cheek. "Why fuck my brother again when I'd come home? Do you really hate me that much?"

"No," John Paul insisted, his hands trembling as he held onto Craig's, "NO, no, it was never like that… I made a mistake, a stupid, cruel mistake… God Craig I don't hate you… how could I ever hate you?"

"So why? I need to know why John Paul…"

John Paul hung his head in shame. He knew the answer this time but he also knew that it wasn't something Craig would want to hear.

As he lifted his face again Craig could see that John Paul's bright blue eyes were filled with tears, tears that tumbled over his cheeks as he blinked.

"Because I'm a McQueen and fucking up is what we do," John Paul whispered.

"That's not a reason John Paul," Craig said, "That's an excuse. I'd come back for you. Of course I was angry – I'd just heard you telling the whole pub how you'd shagged my brother… so why would you have him back in your bed again so fast? Was he that good you couldn't resist… or did you get some kind of thrill being able to have him whenever you wanted… knowing that I was home?"

John Paul shook his head at the accusations. "It wasn't like that," he said tearfully.

"So what WAS it like?" Craig demanded, "Tell me why you had to fuck my brother again when I'd come home for you." Craig's voice rose as he spoke, anger flashing behind the tears in his eyes.

"You said you hated me," John Paul blurted out, "All I'd ever wanted was for you to love me and I'd made you hate me… I was making sure I deserved it…"

"You fucked my brother to make me hate you?" Craig asked in a quiet puzzled voice.

"Worked didn't it!" John Paul replied.

"No." Craig's reply was a hushed whisper but to John Paul it sounded louder than the thunder that had torn at the sky earlier.

"No?"

"If I could hate you it wouldn't hurt so much."

John Paul's hands cupped Craig's face tenderly. His deep brown eyes were filled with hurt and confusion and love. "I'm so sorry," John Paul breathed as he pulled Craig's face towards him.

Their lips met softly and pressed together with desperation. Craig's mouth was hot and hungry and John Paul's tongue pushed into it, exploring every inch, rediscovering the intoxicating taste of the man. Craig's arms slipped around John Paul neck and the man rose up on his knees until their chests were pushed tightly together in their fierce embrace, their hearts pounding in unison.

And then Craig's hands were against John Paul's shoulders pushing him away.

"No," Craig said shaking his head, "It's not that easy… you can't just kiss me and make this all better."

"I wasn't trying to I…"

Craig covered his face with his hands, he couldn't remember ever feeling this weary before. Lifting his head he noticed the darkness outside the window, just how long had they been talking?

"I can't do this now," he said, "I need… I don't know… I need some time."

"I understand," John Paul replied. A part of him had hoped that the kiss would have led to more, that they would be able to start again but he realised that Craig couldn't let go of the hurt that easily and he was willing to wait… for as long as Craig needed him to.

"I'm knackered," Craig said pulling himself to his feet, "I'm going to bed." He paused and looked down at John Paul who was still kneeling on the floor. "You can stay here if you like," he offered gesturing at the sofa, "I'll throw you a spare blanket."

"Thanks," John Paul said as Craig left the room, at least he wasn't throwing him out. That had to be progress, right?

A soft blue blanket was thrown on the back of the sofa and the two men exchanged a lingering look.

"I love you," John Paul's eyes shouted, begging for forgiveness.

"I know," Craig's eyes answered sadly, "But I don't know if it's enough."

---

Craig awoke with a frown. He was certain that he could smell bacon cooking but how was that possible? And then the realisation hit him like a 20 tonne truck. John Paul!

In the few seconds that it took for sleep to give way to consciousness he had been able to forget John Paul's presence in his flat, or more to the point he had been able to forget the reason for John Paul's presence. But now, just like every morning since he arrived back in Dublin, he relived the discovery of John Paul's betrayal and it stung him as sharply as the first time.

Rubbing his hand over his face Craig dragged himself from the warmth of his bed. Pulling on a jumper and jeans he padded barefoot into his tiny kitchen just in time to see John Paul piling the food on two plates.

"Morning," John Paul said in greeting as Craig entered the room, "Hope you don't mind. Thought I'd make myself useful."

"I didn't have any bacon," Craig said.

"Yeah… I err… I went out to the shops."

"How did you get back in?"

John Paul eyes flicked over to Craig's keys cast carelessly on the worktop. "Hope you don't mind," John Paul said apologetically.

Craig shrugged his shoulders and took the laden plate from John Paul's outstretched hand. John Paul had borrowed his brother, why should he care about his keys?

Settling onto the sofa that had been John Paul's bed a few hours ago Craig began to devour the breakfast before him. He hadn't realised how hungry he was until he took the first bite of his perfectly cooked bacon. John Paul perched on the chair opposite and started to pick at his own food. He didn't really have an appetite but had wanted to do something for Craig and this was the first thing he had thought of.

The men ate in silence until Craig laid down his knife and fork against the empty plate that he placed on the floor with a satisfied sigh.

"You looked like you were ready for that," John Paul commented putting aside his half eaten breakfast.

Craig looked at John Paul's face. The early morning sunlight caught his hair making him look almost angelic.

"Sleep OK?" Craig asked casually.

"Yeah not bad, that sofa's quite comfy," John Paul replied with a genuine smile.

Craig was fully aware of how John Paul had slept. He'd tiptoed into the room a few hours after going to bed and found the man curled up on the sofa in a deep slumber. John Paul hadn't noticed as Craig sat on the floor beside him for a while watching the man sleep and had barely stirred when Craig kissed his forehead before slipping quietly back to his room.

"Why are you still here John Paul?" Craig's question was blunt and John Paul visibly flinched at it.

"We're talking," John Paul stammered, "Sorting things out…"

"We talked," Craig replied coldly, "Nothing's changed… so why are you still here?"

Without comment John Paul got to his feet and a silent voice inside Craig's head cried out "Please don't leave."

Bending down to retrieve his plate John Paul also scooped up Craig's and took them to the kitchen. Craig listened carefully and after a few moments the sound of washing up could be heard.

"So you're sticking around then?" Craig asked leaning against the kitchen doorway.

"Thought I would," John Paul replied as he pulled the plug from the sink and watched the dirty water drain away. If only he could wash away his own dirt so easily.

"And if I don't want you to?"

John Paul stopped and turned to look Craig squarely in the face. "Tell me to go," he said simply.

Craig took an involuntary step back at the force of John Paul's gaze. His piercing blue eyes were unwavering and there was a certainty about him that hadn't been there the day before. Craig found himself unable to speak, especially not to tell John Paul to go.

John Paul smiled as he turned his attention back to the dishes and began to dry them.

Craig ran his hands over his face and sighed. Despite having been out of bed less than an hour he already felt exhausted.

"Why did it have to be Jake?" He asked quietly not meaning the question to be answered.

"I don't know," John Paul replied as he put the clean plates away, "It just was…"

"Do you… did you have feelings for him… before?" Craig was as surprised by the question as John Paul was.

"What? No… no of course not…"

Craig was overcome with a sick curiosity, he needed to know just how John Paul betrayed him and he wanted to know it all.

"Where did you do it?" Craig asked.

"Craig don't start this again…"

"His flat? No probably not – too much danger of Nancy coming home… your place then? Your room was it? Your bed? The bed you'd shared with me?"

"Craig leave it," John Paul sighed as he pushed past the man and out of the kitchen.

"No I want to know," Craig insisted as he followed John Paul into the living room, "I want to know everything… come on John Paul I want to know."

"No you don't," John Paul hissed under his breath. He stood in the centre of the living room and could feel Craig stood only inches behind him.

"Sure I do," Craig taunted, "He's my brother I'm interested in what he gets up to… come on John Paul don't be shy… tell me all about it."

John Paul span around on the spot and his blue eyes flashed darkly as he grabbed at Craig's shoulders.

"You really want to know?" He spat out, "Then yeah, yeah it was my bed… I fucked your brother on my bed… and you know what it was good… really good… and I wasn't thinking about you… I wasn't even thinking about him… I was just fucking… I was just getting my rocks off… but he wanted it… you know that Craig, he was begging for it… Just imagine I made your brother beg me to fuck him… and when I came I was still deep inside him… and he loved it – every second of it…"

John Paul's words faltered at the look of anguish in Craig's eyes. "I'm sorry," he whispered.

"No, no… don't stop there… please I asked to know everything," Craig said through gritted teeth.

"But this isn't what you wanted."

"Yes it is," Craig insisted, "So what happened then? Did you hold him? Did you fall asleep with my brother in your arms?"

John Paul tried not to laugh but he couldn't hold it in. "Hardly," he said with a wry smile, "He called me a faggot and legged it!"

"I guess I'm more like Jake than I think," Craig said sadly and John Paul felt the man's shoulders slump under his hands as if he were suddenly defeated.

"You're nothing like him," John Paul said gently, "You're worth a million of him."

"But you still slept with him."

"I know… and I'll regret it for the rest of my life… can we stop this now Craig?"

"Stop what?"

"Seeing how much we can hurt each other? Haven't we done enough?"

Craig accepted John Paul's arms around him and they stood in a silent embrace as the early morning sunlight illuminated them. Craig expected to feel tears on his face but there were none. Instead he just felt empty.

"I've ruined everything haven't I?" John Paul asked breathing in the fragrance of Craig's hair, "We're never gonna get it back."

Craig didn't reply as he realised there was nothing left to say. Instead he held John Paul tightly for as long as he could.

"I'll go," John Paul whispered gently, "I don't want to hurt you any more… I'm sorry I ever did… I love you Craig… don't ever think I didn't love you."

In a small Dublin flat two young men stood together, wrapped in each others arms in an unspoken farewell, listening to the sound of their heartbeats and wishing that things could have been different.

---

John Paul lay on his bed staring at his blank walls. Blank now that he had removed everything that had once been there. The posters, the records and the photographs, especially the photographs. The first thing he did when he got back from Dublin was strip his bedroom walls bare. He couldn't stand looking at them any longer. Everything there had reminded him of Craig, but then everything everywhere reminded him of Craig, the adornments of his walls were the only things he had the power to remove.

The posters had been torn to shreds and thrown away. The records stashed neatly in a box under his bed. And the photographs had been tucked away in the back of a drawer. All except one. One he kept under his pillow. Or at least that's where he kept it when he wasn't holding it in his hand and mourning what he had lost.

The picture was of two men, one blonde with startling blue eyes and the other brunette with deep chocolate eyes. They were young and happy, stood with their arms around each other in an embrace of friendship. The picture had been taken so long ago, long before everything changed, long before their friendship got lost in their love and their love got lost in the reality of the world.

Sometimes John Paul would stare at the photograph for hours, not noticing the time slip by as he indulged himself in the memories of what had been. Sometimes John Paul would stare at the photograph for hours, not noticing the time slip by as he tortured himself with the thoughts of what he had thrown away.

He had been home for just over a week but the pain wasn't easing and the regret wasn't lessening. He almost had it all but he threw it away at the last minute in an act of supreme stupidity. He almost had it all but now he was left with nothing.

His mother and sisters had tried to console him with a never-ending stream of tea and sympathy. The tea had been welcome, the sympathy less so as he really didn't think he deserved it.

John Paul lay in his bed staring at his blank walls, walls that were as empty as his life.

---

Craig sat in his Dublin flat staring at an empty armchair. The chair where John Paul had sat cold and shivering, drenched through to the skin and still managing to look beautiful, not that Craig had told him that, not then.

John Paul had followed him to Ireland in search of forgiveness and salvation but had found neither.

As deeply as Craig loved John Paul he hated him in equal measures. How could he feel two such conflicting emotions for one person? As much as he had wanted John Paul to go he had needed him to stay, but John Paul couldn't do both so he left. He left Craig just like he had done at the airport, not because he wanted to but because he had to. Sometimes even love wasn't enough.

Tucked inside his wallet Craig kept a strip of photographs. Pictures taken on a happy day when the two young men felt alive just because they were together and nothing in the world matter but how they felt, how they felt about each other. Pictures taken when what they shared was theirs alone and the rest of the world didn't need to know. Pictures taken when Craig had genuinely believed that he could keep his relationship with John Paul a secret, when he believed that he could be happy living half a life.

Craig would sometimes look at the photographs, running his fingertips over the illusion on the glossy paper, imagining he could feel the soft skin beneath his fingertips instead of cold uncaring card. Sometimes Craig couldn't stand to look at the photographs because they would remind him of what he almost had. They would remind him what he had to let go because letting go was the only thing he could do to keep his sanity.

He had been alone for just over a week but the pain wasn't easing. He almost had it all but it was snatched way from him at the last minute in an act of supreme stupidity. He almost had it all but now he was left with nothing.

Craig had never felt so alone as he had for the past week. The friends he had made in Dublin couldn't help, even if he had chosen to confide in any of them, some hurts no one could take away, some hurts you just had to learn to live with.

Craig sat in his Dublin flat staring at an empty armchair. An armchair that was as empty as his life.

---

"Tea?"

John Paul forced a smile as his mother entered his room with a mug of the hot liquid in her hands. Placing the drink on his bedside cabinet Myra observed her son sadly. She had never seen him this low before and she knew there was nothing at all she could do to help.

"You can't carry on like this you know," Myra said kindly.

"I know," John Paul agreed.

"Why don't you come downstairs?"

"Not yet eh?"

"John Paul you've hardly left this room for two weeks… it's not healthy."

"I just need some more time," John Paul said taking up his drink and cradling its warmth in his hands, "I'll be down when I'm ready… promise."

Myra rested her hand on the top of her son's head. "Don't leave it too long," she said gently.

"I won't," John Paul replied but in truth he had no real idea when he would be ready to face the world again. He wasn't sure he even wanted to be a part of a world that didn't include Craig Dean.

John Paul's bedroom was bathed in the early afternoon sunlight, basking everything in its heat, shimmering on the top of a cold and forgotten mug of tea and causing dust mites to dance in its glow. It touched everything with warmth, everything that was apart from the solitary figure lying on the bed. There was a coldness in John Paul that even the sun couldn't take away. A chill that ran deep within him, coursed through his veins and beat inside his heart. A terrible ice that he had brought with him from Dublin and had been unable to melt.

With a sigh he walked over to his bedroom window and looked out on the street below. Half closing his eyes John Paul tried to imagine he could see Craig standing in the shadows, like he had been once before but when John Paul opened his eyes wide there was nobody there. There was never anybody there.

John Paul groaned inwardly at the sound of a knock at his door. "Please no more tea," he whispered under his breath. As much as he loved his family their concern and sympathy was starting to suffocate him.

"Leave me alone," John Paul called to whichever of his sisters was standing in the hallway.

But of course these were the McQueen girls and when did they ever listen to their brother? As if to prove the point John Paul's bedroom door creaked open.

"I'll go if you want me to," a voice said quietly. A voice that didn't belong to any member of the McQueen family. A distinctive male voice that made John Paul's knees tremble as he slowly turned from the window.

"Craig?" The name was not so much spoken as breathed from John Paul's lungs. "Craig? How… what…. Why? Craig?"

"Ok so you've not forgotten my name then," Craig said with a smile as he walked into the room and closed the door behind him. His eyes flicked over the bare walls but he said nothing as his gaze settled back on the man before him.

"Craig," John Paul repeated still not quite able to grasp the reality of Craig Dean standing in his room, "How are you here? Why? What…?"

"Look the thing is," Craig began running his hand nervously through his hair. He'd worked out a speech on his way over to the McQueen house. He'd planned every word, every last syllable but now, faced with the breathtaking blue of John Paul's eyes looking at him like he was the most beautiful sight in the world all the planned words fled from his mind.

"The thing is," Craig repeated taking a steadying breath, "There's stuff I need to say… that I didn't say before… and I need you to listen… and not interrupt coz if you do I might never get it out… and I need to say it… I need you to hear it…"

"OK," John Paul replied not able to tear his eyes from the beauty of Craig standing in a pool of light in the middle of his room.

Craig shuffled uncomfortably. "And you can't look at me."

"What?"

"I'm serious, please John Paul, I can't say this while you're looking at me like that…"

"Like what?"

"You know… please…"

"OK," John Paul agreed turning slowly back to face the window. He could hear Craig begin to pace the room and clear his throat.

Craig's hands were shaking as he tried to order the thoughts spinning around in his head. It had all seemed so easy in his head. But in his head he didn't have John Paul's presence close enough to touch, close enough to taste.

"Right yeah," Craig cleared his throat again and rubbed his hands over his face. "OK so the thing is… what I want to say is…"

"What is it Craig?"

"No interrupting remember?"

"Right, sorry, carry on."

"What it is… what you did… what you and Jake did, it made me sick. I mean literally, the thought of you and him made me physically sick. I couldn't believe that you would do that… that HE would… that either of you would think so little of me to do something like that…"

John Paul bit back the urge to reply, he'd already said his sorrys a million times he didn't really think one more would make any difference.

"When you left me at the airport I felt like you'd torn my heart out… I couldn't understand why you would do that to me, why you would just walk away… but the more I thought about it the more I think I got it… I'd always thought you were so strong, so confident, so sure of everything but you were just as nervous about it all as me weren't you? You'd needed my reassurance as much as I'd ever needed yours and I couldn't give it to you… not that day. But then I thought I could come back, I could make everything alright again.

And there you were… stood in the middle of the Dog just as I got home, I figured it was fate or something… I thought this is it… this is my chance to prove to John Paul how much I love him… I was gonna walk up to you and kiss you there and then, in front of everyone, just like you wanted… but then I heard what you said and it was like you tore my heart out all over again."

Craig closed his eyes and covered his face with his hands as the memories of hearing John Paul's words in the Dog played through his mind.

"You know for a second I thought that it was some sort of sick joke and you'd seen me arrive, but then I saw Jake's face and I knew what you'd said was true… I knew that two people I'd thought I could trust had betrayed me. Christ John Paul why did it have to be Jake? Why Jake? And then to do it again… so I said I hated you… OF COURSE I hated you I'd just heard you say that you'd shagged my brother how else was I gonna feel?

I hate what you've done John Paul… I can hardly sleep because when I do it haunts my dreams… I can't stop thinking about you touching him… being with him… my brother, my older brother… I hate you so much right now that I just want to hit you and scream at you and make it all stop… I need it to just stop… I want my life back John Paul… I want myself back… I want…"

Craig's words faded away with a small sob and John Paul heard the creak of his bed as Craig sat down.

Turning from the window John Paul saw Craig perched on the edge of his bed, his head was buried in his hands and his shoulders shook with soft sobs.

Sitting next to him John Paul wrapped his arm around Craig's shoulders and pulled the man to his chest.

"What do you want Craig?" John Paul whispered as warm teardrops ran from his own eyes. As much as he had been hurting before it was nothing to the pain he felt seeing the anguish he had caused Craig.

"Being with you hurts so much," Craig said in a shaky voice.

"I know," John Paul said sadly.

"But so does being without you. So what do I do John Paul, what do I do now?"

"I don't know Craig," John Paul replied kissing the top of Craig's head affectionately, "It's up to you now… it's got to be your choice… it's got to be what you can live with…"

"But whatever I choose it hurts," Craig said lifting his tear stained face to John Paul, "I want you to stop it hurting."

"I don't know how," John Paul said wiping Craig's tears from his cheeks, "If I did I would… you know I would."

"Make it stop John Paul," Craig pleaded as his eyes screamed their distress, the sight ripping at John Paul's heart until he thought it might break completely.

"I can't," John Paul insisted, "Please Craig don't ask me… I can't do it…"

"Then what do I do?"

"I don't know," John Paul said, "I'm so sorry Craig… I never meant for any of this… you don't deserve any of this… if I could take it away I would… I swear I would… God Craig I love you… I love you so much."

John Paul buried his face into the warmth of Craig's neck and held the man against him as they both wept.

"I love you too," Craig whispered into John Paul's chest.


	5. Chapter 5

John Paul woke slowly. As sleep gave way to wakefulness he yawned and rubbed a hand over his eyes. Stretching out his toes he became aware of the weight across his stomach, the weight of an arm, Craig's arm.

Craig still loved him. The first thought that came into his head, as his mind cleared was that. After everything that had happened Craig still loved him.

They had talked for hours, revisiting the same old ground, scratching at the same old sores and still finding no solutions. But at least Craig still loved him.

Being apart was killing them both but trying to be together could easily tear them apart. The shadow of John Paul's actions still hung over them, a sword of Damocles threatening to slice them in two at any moment and they still didn't know if they would ever be able to step out of that shadow together.

The afternoon had passed into evening as the two men talked, gradually easing back onto the bed until they lay side by side, within touching distance of each other but never quite meeting in the middle.

Their voices had dropped as the evening turned into night and eventually they had both drifted into a gentle doze, their bodies moving together as they slept, Craig's arm finding its way over John Paul's chest and holding him in the same way he wanted to when he was awake.

John Paul looked down on the sleeping man by his side and smiled. Craig looked so peaceful next to him as if all the pain and anguish of the last few weeks had been taken away. His eyelashes were feathered out over his soft smooth cheeks and his lips moved in a half-smile at some secret dream. John Paul resisted the urge to stroke Craig's face or to kiss those lips. Craig had looked so exhausted as they talked, so drained with everything he had been through it felt good to let him sleep, to watch him sleep.

A weak early morning sunlight filtered through John Paul's bedroom window and trickled its beam over Craig's face, illuminating his beauty and making John Paul's heart leap with the might of his love. A couple of weeks ago John Paul had had the strength to walk away because he knew that being with Craig was hurting them both. Now he felt that he had the strength to stay and fight because being without Craig was killing them both.

Craig murmured and stirred slightly, his eyes flickering open as the last threads of sleep drifted from him. He was greeted by the breathtaking beauty of two stunning blue eyes looking down on him. Craig smiled at the sight and the love that he could feel radiating from them.

"I guess we fell asleep," Craig whispered into the quiet of the room.

"I guess so," John Paul replied, his heart racing as Craig looked at him, not with reproach or accusations or pain but with a look that was just Craig, that was just them.

"What time is it?"

"Dunno," John Paul turned his head to squint as his bedside clock, "It's just gone five."

"John Paul?"

"Hmm?"

"Tell me again…"

"Tell you what?"

Craig's hand was warm as it stroked gently over John Paul's face, his fingertip trailing over John Paul's lips, over his chin and down his throat.

"Tell me that you love me."

John Paul caught hold of the hand that had come to rest against his chest and, returning it to his lips, he kissed softly against the palm.

"I love you more than… more than I have words for… without you… there is no without you because anything without you doesn't exist."

Craig smiled at the words, his eyes burning deeply into John Paul's as they watched each other breathlessly.

The kiss took John Paul completely by surprise, so much so that he almost pulled away from it but the feel of Craig's lips against his quickly overruled that idea.

Craig's kiss was gentle. The kiss of a lover who had been away too long but had finally found his way home. Craig's kiss quickly became passionate, urgent and hungry. The kiss of a starving man who had been given a banquet.

"Are you sure?" John Paul breathed as Craig's lips moved away from his to follow the earlier path of his fingertips, kissing a soft journey down John Paul's throat.

"I'm not sure of anything," Craig admitted, looking again into the fathomless depths of John Paul's eyes, "But I need this… I need you… I need to know…"

"Know?"

"That we can be us again… that I can hold you, touch you and not see…"

Craig didn't finish the sentence, he didn't need to they both knew how it ended, "and not see Jake."

"And can you?" John Paul asked in a whisper.

Craig laughed, a soft musical sound that tripped from his lips. "I told you," he said with a smile, "I'm not sure… help me be sure John Paul… show me that what we have can be bigger than what you did…"

A soft moan rumbled in John Paul's throat as Craig's hands melted away the buttons of his shirt and the warmth of his lips pressed against John Paul's bare chest, tasting at his skin, nibbling gently on his nipples and teasing his flesh until it quivered with excitement.

"Craig…" The name was a whisper of a moan on John Paul's lips as his body reacted to the touch of Craig's mouth against his skin. Being with Craig, holding him and loving him, it was all that John Paul ever wanted and he ached with the need that was growing inside him with every passing second. But inside him also grew the gnawing worry, the doubt and the fear. What if it was like last time? What if all Craig could see was Jake? What if this was the last chance he would ever have to make things alright and it didn't work? What then?

As Craig's hands pulled at John Paul's belt buckle the blonde haired man made a choice. Gripping Craig firmly by the shoulders he flipped the man onto his back and leant over him, their eyes fused together in an unending look of love. The time for what ifs was over, John Paul might never be able to make things right, he might lose Craig forever but he had to try.

"I love you," he said, filling the three simple words with more conviction than he had ever done before as he pressed his mouth firmly against Craig's lips in a kiss that spoke of love and need and hope, but mostly it spoke of love.

Craig lifted himself from the bed as John Paul pulled his t-shirt over his head, throwing it unnoticed to the floor, quickly followed by his own already unbuttoned shirt.

John Paul's hands were warm as they traced the contours of Craig's bare chest, caressing the lightly tanned skin, firm and perfectly defined. Kissing Craig's lips once more John Paul then ran his tongue over Craig's throat and down onto his naked body. Tasting at the bare skin, licking and biting, gently and sensuously and arousing soft whimpers to slip from Craig's parted lips.

Craig's nipples jumped to attention between John Paul's teeth as he nibbled on them with his tongue running in circles, first around one and then quickly switching to the other. Craig's body had always seemed like perfection to him but now, after being denied its presence for so long, it seemed more exquisite than ever and it seemed to respond to his touch more enthusiastically than it had before.

John Paul could feel Craig's cock straining at his jeans as his hand passed over the man's groin, much as his own had been doing for some time and he made short work of Craig's belt, pushing the jeans away as Craig raised his hips and the true extent of his arousal sprang into view.

Craig's breathing was growing heavy and laboured as John Paul's mouth teased over the skin of his belly, flicking lightly over the skin as his hands ran up the inside of Craig's thighs, squeezing the soft skin gently.

Craig was almost ready to scream by the time John Paul's hands and mouth converged on the centre of his being. John Paul's tongue licked over the length of Craig's cock, from base to tip in one single fluid motion as his hands gripped and gently massaged the weight of his balls. Craig squirmed with delighted pleasure as John Paul continued to lap up and down the length of his cock, pausing to circle over its sensitive head before running back down to suck the weight of one of his balls into his mouth.

Craig sank his fingers into John Paul's hair, scratching as his scalp as John Paul's lips parted and the tips of Craig's cock was welcomed between them. Working his lips against the head of Craig's cock, easing the foreskin back, John Paul tasted the very essence of the man he loved as he pressed the tip of his tongue against its delicate opening making Craig moan loudly in appreciation.

The louder Craig's moans became the deeper John Paul sucked the hardness of his cock into his mouth until it was almost entirely consumed and Craig's chest heaved with the intensity of his excitement.

As he sucked on the delicious firmness filling his mouth John Paul continued to stroke the softly downed balls in his hands, rolling them lightly in his palms to further sounds of enjoyment. John Paul's tongue licked hungrily at the drops of precum that were already trickling from Craig's cock with promises that more would not be far behind.

Craig's eyes were closed and his head pushed back into the pillow as he arched his back, pushing his cock deeper into John Paul's throat, his whole body trembling with the anticipation of the relief that seemed only moments away.

John Paul sucked ever hard against Craig's throbbing cock, urging it to give in to his attention and fill his mouth with the release of Craig's lust.

"John Paul I…" Craig's voice was heavy with desire and breathless as he spoke, "God John Paul I… stop… please stop…"

John Paul froze. He let Craig's cock slip reluctantly from his lips as he closed his eyes in a silent prayer. "Please god no," he whispered to himself, "Don't let this be it… please don't let it all be over."

John Paul opened his azure eyes and slowly, painfully lifted his gaze to meet Craig dreading the look he would find there. Would it be disgust, regret or hate? Had they finally found their answer, was the memory of John Paul's betrayal forever going to sour what they had once shared?

Craig's chocolate brown eyes were wide as John Paul's met them, but there were none of the negative emotions filling them that John Paul had feared.

"Craig?" John Paul whispered the question, still fearing the answer.

Craig held out his hands, beckoning John Paul to him and John Paul made his way back to the head of the bed, back to Craig, with a puzzled frown.

"Craig what's wrong?" John Paul asked, as his face became level with Craig's.

"Wrong?" Craig repeated with a laugh, "Nothing's wrong… it was just too much… you were gonna make me come if you carried on like that."

John Paul echoed Craig's laugh with a mixture of amusement and relief. "That was kind of the plan," he said with a grin.

Craig cupped the beauty of John Paul's face in his hands and kissed him, the lingering taste of himself still on John Paul's lips and on John Paul's tongue.

"Not like that," he whispered hotly into John Paul's ear, "I want you to make love to me… I want to come with you inside me… I want you John Paul, more that I ever have."

Craig's hands found their way to John Paul's crotch as he spoke, squeezing lightly at the firmness he found there before quickly tearing at John Paul's belt and dragging his jeans down over his hips. John Paul soon pushed the rest of his clothing from his feet and pulled Craig tightly against his naked body.

They pushed themselves together, entwining arms and legs until it was impossible to tell who's was who's. Their mouths melded together in the passionate heat of their kisses as tongues duelled inside them and their cocks pulsed together in a silent erotic symphony.

John Paul rolled their bodies until he lay with his full weight on top of Craig, looking down into the pools of hot melted chocolate that seemed to reflect back to him the love he felt. Raising himself half up on his hands John Paul circled his hips making his cock brush tantalisingly against Craig, causing them both to gasp at the sensation.

"Are you sure about this?" John Paul asked pressing soft light kisses over Craig's face.

"Yes… no… I don't know… I'm not sure about anything…" Once again Craig held John Paul's face in his hands. "But I want this," he said firmly, "I really do… I want you…"

"I love you," John Paul whispered as he pulled himself upright until he was kneeling between Craig's thighs. Leaning over the side of the bed John Paul fished a small bottle from the back of his bedside cabinets drawer. A bottle he had almost thrown away when he purged his room but something had made him return it to the drawer.

Flipping the bottle's lid John Paul poured a little of the oily liquid onto his hand which he then massaged into Craig's buttocks. Craig raised his hips as John Paul's slick fingers pushed against him, moaning as one oily fingertip slipped inside and eased deeply into him. John Paul worked the finger inside Craig for a few moments before letting a second and then third finger join in as Craig pushed back against John Paul's hand desperate for the man to go deeper.

John Paul could resist the insistent pleading moans from Craig's lips no longer and he quickly poured a little more oil over his throbbing erection before guiding it into Craig. He entered the man slowly and easily as Craig raised himself to accept John Paul's cock inside him. The both let out deep moans of satisfied pleasure as John Paul's cock filled and stretched Craig's hot flesh, which in turn gripped and caressed John Paul's cock.

Craig wrapped his legs around John Paul's back and lifted his hips higher as John Paul began to move inside him. Every inch of John Paul's body shook with pleasure. He couldn't remember it ever feeling so good before, so intense, it was as if every nerve ending in his entire body had awoken after a long sleep and was ready to show him just how amazing making love could feel.

Craig couldn't take his eyes from the azure blue gaze that looked down on him. John Paul had always been beautiful, his eyes had always been stunning but Craig felt as if he was seeing the man for the first time, noticing his beauty anew and falling in love all over again.

John Paul's breathing grew heavy as he thrust deeply into Craig and a sheen of sweat glistened on his brow and sparkled over his chest. Craig reached out to John Paul and pulled the man's body down against him, their bare chests pressing together as Craig searched out the sweetness of John Paul's mouth once more.

They kissed deeply, moans mingling inside their mouths as John Paul's cock plunged the depths of Craig's hot flesh, hitting his perfect spot again and again until Craig writhed in wonderful agony.

John Paul eased his hand between their bodies and curled his still oily fingers around Craig's cock. Gripping it tightly he moved his hand over its length in firm strokes, timing each one with another thrust inside Craig. Craig's hands clawed at John Paul's back in desperation as the intense pressure in his body threatened to explode at any moment. John Paul could feel the growing need in Craig, it mirrored his own in every way, and he drove his cock deeper and harder into the man, tightening his hold on Craig's aching cock until the man could take no more.

Breaking from John Paul's kiss Craig threw his head back in ecstasy as his climax erupted from him. He moaned John Paul's name over and over as his cock pulsed out its release hotly over John Paul's hand and both their bellies.

Craig's orgasm had hardly ended before John Paul's own desires demanded to be expressed and he cried out as he thrust hard into Craig, his climax pouring deeply into the man, his cock pulsing out its adoration of Craig's body until John Paul was completely spent.

With a satisfied sigh John Paul let his body fall to the bed by Craig's side, his arms quickly circling the naked man beside him and holding him close. Their bodies were slick with sweat and semen but neither of them minded and neither of them were ready to let go just yet.

John Paul suddenly felt like a naive teenager after their first sexual encounter, desperate to know if it was OK but afraid to ask in case it wasn't. He had no doubt that Craig had enjoyed it physically but how did it leave him feeling? Had they managed to start laying the ghost of Jake to rest or would that prove to be impossibility?

"Craig..?"

"Hmm?"

"Are we…"

"What?"

"I mean are we gonna be…"

Craig lifted his face from the comfort of John Paul's chest and looked at him closely.

"I hate what you did with Jake," he said simply.

"I know," John Paul replied averting his gaze.

"I don't know if I will ever be able to forget about it… I don't know if I will ever really understand why you did it… I really… I hate it so much…"

"I know, I'm sorry…"

Craig placed a finger under John Paul's chin and lifted the man's face to meet his gaze.

"But I can't hate you," Craig said gently, "I tried and I can't… I don't think I know how not to love you… and I don't want to know."

"Does this mean..?"

"I need you to be able to do two things for me," Craig replied.

"OK, what?"

"Firstly, come back to Dublin with me." Craig's request seemed sudden and it took John Paul completely by surprise.

"Dublin?" he asked in astonishment.

"I want to give us a go John Paul," Craig explained, "But I don't think we can do it here… there's too much… history. Too many people to get in our way… and I don't think we'd make it if we stayed."

"Dublin," John Paul repeated almost to himself.

"You was gonna come before…"

"Dublin!" John Paul's face broke into a wide smile. "Yeah," he said happily, "Yeah, yeah of course I will… I mean I would need to sort out HCC and stuff but yeah, god yeah I'll come to Dublin."

Craig smiled and pressed a quick kiss to John Paul's lips.

"That was only the first thing," Craig reminded him.

"That's OK."

"You haven't heard what else I want yet…"

"It doesn't matter," John Paul said confidently, "Whatever it is I'll do it."

"You might not think so when I tell you…"

John Paul paused and looked quizzically at Craig. "I'd do anything for you Craig."

"You sure?" Craig asked and John Paul simply nodded.

"OK then," Craig continued, "Secondly…"

---

"You ready for this?" Craig asked smiling at the blonde haired man by his side.

"Not really," John Paul confessed.

"You don't have to you know."

"Yes I do… I think we both need it… come on, let's get it over with."

John Paul was grateful for the tight grip of Craig's hand around his as they stepped through the doors of The Dog in the Pond.

"Craig!" Frankie's gleeful voice called as she saw her youngest son walking up to the bar but the smile on her face quickly vanished as she noticed the man by his side. "What are you doing with HIM?"

"He's got a name mum," Craig sighed.

"I KNOW who he is," Frankie spat bitterly and then she noticed the men's hands gripped tightly together, "Oh Craig, tell me you've not taken him back."

"I love him mum," Craig said with a soft smile as he looked at John Paul's breathtaking blue eyes.

"After what he did to your brother?" Frankie said in disgust.

"WITH mum," Craig corrected, "what he did WITH my brother, Jake was as much a part of it as John Paul was."

Frankie snorted her reply. There was no way that Jake was responsible for what that McQueen boy got him to do.

"I didn't come here to argue with you… we're back together and that's that. I'd like your blessing, but I don't need it."

"And you won't get it. You're an idiot Craig, after what he did how can you ever trust him again?"

"What would you rather I did?" Craig asked holding John Paul's hand ever tighter, "Spend the rest of my life alone and unhappy? I tried not being with John Paul and I was miserable… I'm not prepared to do that again… he's coming back to Dublin with me."

"What have you done to my son?" Frankie snarled at John Paul.

John Paul took a deep breath. "I love him," he replied.

"Love!" Frankie said with a sarcastic laugh.

"Yes love… I know what I did was terrible, unforgivable. But Craig has managed to forgive me, I hope you can too one day… we had your acceptance once, it would mean a lot to Craig to have it again."

"You'll be waiting a long time for that," Frankie said turning her back on the two men.

Craig sighed and John Paul squeezed his hand sympathetically, they knew this wouldn't be easy but at least the first hurdle was out of the way.

"Mum," Craig called trying to get his mother attention again but she stubbornly refused to respond. "Mum is Jake in?" Craig asked, "We need to speak to him."

Frankie spun around at the sound of her eldest son's name. "You keep that boy away from my Jake," she said angrily.

"What d'you think he's gonna do mum? Jump him in front of me?" John Paul fought back a laugh at Craig's words.

"Who knows what a McQueen is capable of," Frankie said maliciously.

"Come on," Craig said leading John Paul away from the bar, "We'll go upstairs and check for ourselves."

Frankie tried to object but fortunately a customer arrived at the bar in time to allow the two young men to slip through the door leading to the upstairs flat.

Jake was sat on the sofa in the centre of the living room flicking idly through a magazine but not really paying any attention to it. Charlie was sleeping in the other room and Jake was enjoying the peace.

He sighed as he heard the door open. The last thing he needed now was Frankie telling him to go around and see Nancy again. It was funny how Nancy had suddenly become the most perfect girlfriend in the world when the potential alternative was another gay son. Not that Jake was gay. He was certain of it. He had simply been confused for a time, nothing more than that.

"Jake." Craig's voice cut into his thoughts and he got to his feet at Craig came into view, quickly followed by the one person Jake wanted to see less than Frankie.

"What the fuck are you doing bringing him here?" Jake asked as he looked at John Paul with undisguised loathing.

"Jake we need to talk to you," Craig said.

"WE?" Jake repeated, "Oh Craig don't tell me… you KNOW what he's like… don't let him get to you again… you don't need the likes of him…"

"But I do Jake. I know you never understood, but I love him and I can't just walk away… I don't want to."

"That's not love… it's… it's sick… what you two do…"

"Well you'd know about that wouldn't you Jake," John Paul snapped, immediately regretting his words as Craig's eyes glowered at him.

"What I did was a mistake," Jake was saying, "It was stupid and it makes me sick to think of it."

"Jake we all need to move on," Craig said gently, "It's not gonna do any of us any good holding on to this… it was killing me and you don't look very happy either."

"Well what do you expect?" Jake asked angrily, "HE's made half the village think I'm gay, Nancy won't even speak to me any more and mum looks at me like I've got some terminal illness… and look… the McQueen comes out of it all smelling of roses."

John Paul let go of Craig's hand and stepped forward.

"Look Jake," he said quietly, "I'm really sorry… I know what we did has messed everything up for you and I am really sorry for that. I can't say that I never meant it coz I did… I was wrong but I meant to hurt you and I regret that now, if I could take it back I would… really I would… I love Craig and I'm gonna do everything I can to make him happy from now on and I know one thing that would do that…" John Paul held out his hand to Jake in an act of contrition, "would be if you could accept my apology."

Jake slapped John Paul's hand away as if it were infected. "You think it's that easy?" Jake asked, "You've ruined my life…"

"I didn't force you Jake…"

"Get out… I can't stand looking at you."

John Paul shrugged. "I am sorry for everything Jake, I really am."

Craig reclaimed John Paul's hand. "Come on," he said heading towards the door.

"He'll let you down again Craig," Jake called after them, "You can't trust him."

"Thank you for doing that," Craig said as the door closed behind them, "I know it wasn't easy for you."

"It's not been easy for any of us," John Paul replied following Craig back down the stairs. "D'you think he'll ever forgive me?"

"I don't know," Craig said, "But you tried, and that's all I asked."

"Will YOU ever forgive me?"

Craig kissed John Paul's cheek softly. "I already have," he said with a smile, "Just give me time to try and forget eh?"

"We're going now mum," Craig called over the bar to Frankie.

"I hope you didn't upset my son," Frankie replied.

"Aren't you even gonna say goodbye?" Craig asked sadly.

"Not while you're with him," Frankie said sharply.

"I love you mum," Craig said with a hint of tears in his eyes, "I'll see you soon yeah?"

Frankie didn't respond as Craig pushed open the pubs door and stepped outside.

"Craig!" His mother's voice behind him made him turn around. "Look after yourself," she whispered as she hugged her youngest son close, "I love you." With that Frankie walked back into the pub and the door swung closed behind her.

"Well it's a start," Craig said with a smile as John Paul slipped his arm around his boyfriend's shoulders and they walked away from the past and headed into their future together.

---

"Craig, this came for you," John Paul handed the envelope to his gorgeous boyfriend as he walked into their flat and dropped his coat onto the sofa.

"What is it?" Craig asked taking the envelope from John Paul's hands.

"Open it and find out," John Paul replied with a laugh, "I'm busy!"

Craig slipped his arms around John Paul's waist and hugged him close, resting his head on the man's shoulder.

"You've done a good job there," he said admiringly looking at the shabby old Christmas tree that they had bought in a second hand shop, draped with threadbare strands of tinsel and an assortment of mismatched baubles.

"It's a mess," John Paul complained. Where was Carmel when you needed her? She always had the knack of getting these things looking right.

"It's perfect," Craig corrected, "Coz it's OURS… our first tree together…"

"You're right," John Paul said spinning around and kissing Craig firmly on the lips, "Perfect."

Craig laughed as John Paul stepped away to continue scattering more strands of tinsel over the tree. He had never been so happy in his life. Not long after getting back to Dublin John Paul had joined him and Craig hadn't regretted his decision for a single second. It wasn't just that he needed John Paul in his life, John Paul was his life and he knew that he was just as important to the beautiful blue-eyed boy.

Craig turned his attention to the envelope in his hand, the size and shape indicated a Christmas card and Craig recognised the writing.

Tearing open the envelope Craig pulled the brightly coloured card from its paper covering. The scene of the front featured a picturesque house in a snowy scene but the thing that caught Craig's eye was the gold embossed lettering at the top.

"Happy Christmas to you both."

Flipping open the card Craig felt tears well in his eyes as he read the words written inside.

"To Craig and John Paul

Happy Christmas

Love Jake and Charlie"

"What is it?" John Paul asked as he heard Craig's sniffles.

Craig passed the card into John Paul's hands and the blonde man read it with surprise.

"Well who would have thought it," he said snaking his arm around Craig's waist and holding the man against his side, "Looks like the Dean family are starting to thaw!"

"Looks like," Craig said smiling at the dazzling blue sparkle of John Paul's eyes, "And how could they resist eh?"

John Paul laughed as he hugged his boyfriend close.

"Happy Christmas Craig," he breathed into Craig's hair.

"Happy Christmas John Paul," Craig replied, "I think it's gonna be the best one ever."


End file.
